Cubicle Man vs Wild
15 Jun 2009
This upcoming weekend is father’s day. And what will make my father more proud than knowing his eldest son survived a weekend in the wild during a much needed “mancation.” I spend 45-50 hours a week in a cubicle. I live in a city that has smog capable of suffocating a street rat. My DVR is full of repeated episodes of Man vs Wild and Survivorman.
I know those guys are professionals and I have heard the disclaimer on the Discovery Channel 30,233 times in my life, but everything on that channel has been reduced to utter bullshit. If’ I’m going to wade through 8 hour days in a cubicle, then go home to find my favorite channel debunking myths or puking lumberjacks driving ice trucks, I at least want to know if it’s real from the start.
That’s why this Friday, me and my camera crew (it’s actually a group of 3 college buddies) have agreed to descend into the North Carolina mountains for a 4 day “mancation”. We will abide all wilderness laws, but the main point of this mancation (other than relaxing) is to see if these countless hours of watching Man vs Wild or Survivorman will actually pay off. If it does, then I will contest to all techies in the world that the Discovery Channel hasn’t gone to complete shit. Between our group we have seen every episode of both TV programs, and we’re ready to put it to the test.
Please don’t send me emails saying “this is a bad idea” or “Les Stroud can only drink his piss because he was a British Op” . . . No, I’ll drink my piss in the middle of the North Carolina mountains if I want to. But first I will make sure I’m nice and dehydrated. And I will drain it through a bandana. Like Grylls did. And if it tastes good, I’ll call him a pansy. On camera. Fuck yeah I’m getting a rager just thinking about this. We are absolutely committed to this event.
What we need from y0u, good people, is a situation and the items that we will be allowed to bring. It could be a tour bus crash in the middle of the mountains, or even a misplaced abduction from a UFO. I’ll even shave my head into a mullet if it helps with the plot. It’s up to you what we will bring on our mancation, the most creative situation will be revealed on Thursday.