A New Era in Baseball?
08 Jul 2009
Shock has hit America’s past time. In the last twenty years we have seen monsters invade the game and hit home runs at an alarming rate while the fans sat back and enjoyed the show. All of us were guilty, we watched Sosa and McGwire torpedo the most sacred record to baseball purist, home runs in a single season. We all enjoyed the homoerotic embraces that McGwire and Sosa shared during their wonderful home run campaign.
We watched Barry Bond’s head double in size since he came to the league as he shatter Hank Aaron’s career home run record. And then the shit hit the fan. Anonymous testing that was not anonymous (see A-Rod), Congressional hearings where Rafael Palmeiro, Barry Bonds, and Roger Clemens may have committed perjury, Bud Selig and the players union trying to work out a deal, nothing seems to be working so i am here to introduce a new innovative idea to save the future of baseball.
THE DESIGNATED STERIOD USER (DSU for short)
Steroids can kill, ex. Ken Caminiti. They deteriorate your body, not to mention your manhood. So you allow one person on each team to be the DSU and use steroids as he or she(to be politically correct) pleases with no repercussions. This allows those who are so competitive and so egotistical to sacrifice their bodies to make lots of money during their career, to cover up for the significant loss of manhood. The team can extravagantly spend on the DSU because they could now avoid players who use steroids for one season just to get a huge contract, Jason Giambi 7 year/120 mil, Adrian Beltre 5 years/64 mil, and Albert Belle 5 years/ 65 mil. The DSU could be a hitter or a pitcher so it would add a whole new element to the General Managers job. The DSU would have their own set of statistics separate from the historical ones so that they could measure up against the DSUs of the future.
The DSU solves many problems. There would no longer be a need for Congress to waste time on investigating steroid use in baseball, Bud Selig could revolutionize the game, it would preserve the records we hold so dearly, and most of all it would entertain the fans. For all the other players there would strict testing with very harsh punishments if you are caught.
Here is a list of potential DSU.
- John Rocker
- Already known for his sprint in from the bullpen and his loose tongue with the media, imagine what steroids could do for John Rocker. He could probably hit about 110 mph on the gun.
- Travis Hafner
- Travis came into the league built like a middle linebacker but he has only gotten bigger since. Some already think he is on steroids so why ignore it when he could embrace steroids and getting huge and hit tons of home runs
- Jeff Bagwell
- The former Astros great could easily become one of the best DSUs as he enters his forties. He is squat with a small strike zone and a ton of muscles. He could easily rip 70 or 80 homers if he was juicing real hard.
- Kenny Powers
- In the midst of his comeback to the majors, Kenny could really use a boost from an unlimited amount of steroids. He hit 101 mph last season and knocked a guy’s eye out. With a year of steroids he could be back throwing the ball ‘hard as fuck’ again
- Carrot Top
- Although his comedy leaves the audience wanting more, his ability with the wood has never been doubted( no pun intended). Look at this guy he is a monster, you train him to be a 60 home run guys easily. And if he was in the MLB, i would never have to hear his stand up ever again.