Fantasy Football is Glorified Dungeons and Dragons

Dungeons & Dragons: For the majority of the American public this live action role playing game says everything about the people that partake in its magical adventures. Geeks, dweebs, nerds, virgins . . . the list of insults are seemingly endless. And prior to becoming a weekly D&D barbarian half-orc named Lord Thorg, I would have absolutely agreed with many of the insults. However, I soon found many of the elements of D&D overlapping into my other favorite fantasy obsession, which is football.

Fantasy football and Dungeons and Dragons are similar in too many ways for me to ignore. The first main similarity is determining the draft order. In fantasy football, being the first pick and the 9th pick can be the difference between Adrian Peterson and DeAngelo Williams . . . Drew Brees and *shivers* Kyle Orton. Getting that first or mid round pick is essential to being successful. Similar to the draft, D&D players roll a 20 sided die to determine who will fight first during a battle. “Rolling for initiative” is like rolling for life or death. Every position has its advantages and disadvantages. Both are games of extreme chance, luck and passion.

Take for instance this clip from FX’s “The League”. If you’re in a diehard fantasy league, there is absolutely no denying that they were on par with this commercial:

While thinking about your fantasy lineup during sex is way different than having sex (something foreign to the honest majority of the D&D realm), it is guaranteed that they will only think of pleasuring their princess while in the bed.

The Draft

The drafting of players is no different than busting out the old D&D character sheet. During the fantasy draft every player has their own strategy, targeted players, and a relative sense on how their distribution of points will work. Similarly, when rolling for your D&D character it is important to take into consideration their class, race, gender, religion, and overall skills. Giving monstrous barbarian half-orc extra points towards a sneak skill is like drafting from the New England clusterfuck of running backs. You know what you’re getting into, but it’s all essentially useless.

The Players

While talking shit to Team Ronnie Brown-noise and Steve McNair Speedholes has become quite a weekly occurrence in my fantasy league, I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to help the onslaught they will likely bring during the weekend. While Drew Brees might be capable of putting up 40 points, my running backs are hit-or-miss while they boast All Day and MJD. As most fantasy owners will tell you, we have absolutely no control over our players destinies in the realm of fantasy football. However, in D&D I can talk shit AND back it up. If Grizzly Nova, the blasphemous ninja monk with a badass fists of fury runs his mouth to me . . . it’s a simple barbarian rage and a gash in the chest with my +3 flaming sword of swiftness. That’ll shut him up while giving me instant pleasure out of the agonizing screams by his character. Of course, it’s all in my head . . . which is no different than fantasy. Yelling “I’m going to burn you with Drew Brees this week” or “I’m going to break Chris Cooley’s ankle” just doesn’t have the same feel. As fucking VIN DIESEL tells it, having full reign over your character is what makes D&D so badass.

The Dungeon Master

The Dungeon Master makes all the rules. He tells you what you can and can’t do, determines your fate, vetoes actions between players, penalizes characters, gives them rewards, etc. Sound familiar? While your commish might not look like the man to the right, it’s guaranteed he takes just as much pleasure out of putting hard work into the league. The DM has to determine story lines, maps, quests, treasures, monsters, friends, foes, layouts of towns, and the list goes on. Preparing for a weekly campaign requires hours of hard work from the DM alone to make it successful.


What’s the difference between sitting around a table all day watching football and playing in a RPG session? One action is simply observing while the other is controlling. While Team First & Visante Shiancoe may be sitting on the couch bragging about a touchdown, Prince Hammerclaw can likewise brag about leveling his character up or finding a magical item during a raid.

Despite the vast differences between the two games, they are utterly alike. I just wanted to point out to the millions of fellow jocks in America that live for the fantasy football weekend that we are no different than those who play RPGs. Even worse, they tend to get off their asses and actually play their game every once and a while.

A List of Thing Steve Phillips Messed Up

  1. The Mets organization
  2. Mo Vaughn’s Career
  3. Most of New York City
  4. ESPN
  5. America
  6. His Marriage
  7. This Production Assistants life
  8. Josh Hamilton’s Comeback
  9. Attempted to trade Jose Reyes
  10. Wanted to trade Scott Kazmir
  11. His own football career

I do not need to tell you how much Steve Phillips sucks…

5 Sports Movie Characters Who Deserve The Nobel Peace Prize More Than Obama

Obama, unifying figure…maybe, great for the world…maybe. But think about the sports movies that gave you hope and inspired you to do something better and change the way you go about life, which is very similar to why President Obama won the prize.

So here is the list:

5. Chet “The Rocket” Steadman

He inspired and change the culture that surrounded the down-in-the-dumps Chicago Cubs. He inspired a great young Henry Rowengartner and built this kid to a legend in Cub community. He was so devoted to Henry, and more so his MILF, that he went on to coach Little League. That is change i can believe in.

4.  Mr Miyagi

Mr. Miyagi inspired Ralph Macchio to become an teen karate champion.  Who would have thought that an old immigrant could change the way one kid thinks and acts? Inspiring words of hope for the future from Mr. Miyagi, “Wax On, Wax Off”

3. Gordon Bombay

Gordon Bombay was a hot shot lawyer who was forced to coach a joke of a kids hockey team by his boss. Reliving his childhood memories of hockey stardom, he grew depressed by the failure of his team and the intimidation of his former hockey coach. But as a unifying figure in the Minnesota youth hockey world, he is an idle and would surely caryr Minnesota if he challenge Obama in 2012.

2. Rudy

No explaination needed for why Rudy inspired millions of kids and adult alike to try that thing they never thought possible. Rudy was five foot nothing, 100 and nothing but he managed to get a sack in front of his skeptical father which changed the lives of thousands of people who thought they could never achieve something great.

1. Rocky Balboa

ROCKY, ROCKY, ROCKY. Rocky truly could have been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize after his brilliant performance against Soviet Ivan Drago. Rocky won over the tough soviet crowd and start the debate on change that Obama used in his political campaigns. The most inspirational movie quote of all time, “During this fight, I’ve seen a lot of changing, in the way you feel about me, and in the way I feel about you. In here, there were two guys killing each other, but I guess that’s better than twenty million. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!”

Steve Phillips and Matt Millen: Why Do We Listen?

I have always heard that the NFL and MLB jsut continually recycle coaches and general managers, so i kind of understood the system, but now ESPN has gone off the deep end.

They employ two, not one but two, of the worst general managers in the history of their respective sports. Steve Phillips did a brilliant job as the Mets GM, landing such top talent as Mo Vaughn and driving the team straight into the ground. ESPN was quick to hire Phillips as an MLB expert but why? His judgement has been proven worthless

Matt Millen on the other hand built a team so atrocious that they set the record for atrociousness. 0-16, never been done before. But do not worry guys, ESPN says he is an expert so we are all fine.

ACC Power Rankings

Courtesy of Chad Floyd-

The ACC race is starting to take shape. It’s hard to picture preseason Atlantic favorite Florida State or my beloved North Carolina Tar Heels climbing out of 0-2 holes to reach the ACC Championship game. Even with impressive showings last week, it doesn’t seem viable that Virginia, Maryland, or Duke would reach Tampa either. Then again, it is the ACC, where parity has reigned supreme since the fall of the 90’s Seminoles.

1) Virginia Tech (4-1, 2-0 ACC, defeated Duke 34-26): Who knew Tyrod Taylor’s arm actually worked as well as his legs? A career-high 327 yards and 2 TD’s helped the Hokies overcome poor efforts from both the running game and the D. Good thing they were playing Duke.

2) Miami (3-1, 2-1 ACC, defeated Oklahoma 21-20): Probably the ACC’s most impressive win to date. Sure, the Sooners were playing without Sam Bradford, but Landry Jones is a good quarterback and Miami rattled him and forced Oklahoma to play with the underneath routes all game long. Javarris James had the best game of a career that was disappointing up to this point, going for 150 yards and clinching the game with a few first downs on the final drive.

3) Georgia Tech (4-1, 1-1 ACC, defeated Mississippi St. 42-31): Another example of a running QB going against the grain of his team’s normal gameplan: Josh Nesbitt, he of the sub-40% completion percentage, going 11-14 for 266 yards. He is emerging as a leader on this Jacket team that has been resurgent since looking awful against Miami two weeks ago.

4) Boston College (4-1, 2-1 ACC, defeated Florida St. 28-21): Do I believe the Eagles are the 4th most talented team in the league? No, but they always have a coach that gets the most out of his players. Frank Spaziani, the team’s 3rd head coach in 4 years, has the Eagles playing like a viable candidate for the Atlantic Division crown.

5) Wake Forest (3-2, 1-1 ACC, defeated N.C. State 30-24): Congratulations to Josh Bush, who ended Russell Wilson’s streak of 379 passes without an interception in the second quarter. Marshall Williams had another big day for the Deacs with two TD’s, but Chris Givens may have stolen the show with 8 catches for 113 yards and a score of his own. It seems like Riley Skinner is finding some weapons.

6) N.C. State (3-2, 0-1 ACC, lost to Wake Forest 30-24): Of the losers on Saturday, the Pack looked by far the most dangerous. 361 yards allowed through the air doesn’t bode well for their future, but the players seem to believe in each other and the coaching staff, and may now be the favorite in an Atlantic with an 0-2 FSU team.

7) Clemson (2-3, 1-2 ACC, lost to Maryland 24-21): Can’t say they didn’t have their chances. Within the last 7 minutes of the game, the Tigers were inside the Terps’ 35 3 times. Two missed 48-yard field goals and a lost Kyle Parker fumble cost them. The Tigers should have won this game.

8 ) Florida State (2-3, 0-2 ACC, lost to Boston College 28-21): Give them credit for overcoming a 21-3 deficit to tie the game, but downgrade them for again playing down to their competition and not pulling out the win. FSU’s blogger thinks its time for a change.

9) Virginia (1-3, 1-0 ACC, defeated North Carolina 16-3): They’re not great, but they could still find 4-5 more wins on their schedule. Losses to TCU and Southern Miss, quality non-BCS opponents, prepared the Cavs to knock off Carolina last Saturday. To quote Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that.

10) North Carolina (3-2, 0-2 ACC, lost to Virginia 16-3): The Tar Heels have picked up 328 yards of offense over the past two games, which would rank them 95th in the FBS if they could combine the results from the Tech and Virginia games. As it stands, the 113th ranked offense is doing nothing to help the nation’s 8th best defense.

11) Maryland (2-3, 1-0 ACC, defeated Clemson 24-21): Season saving win for Ralph Friedgen and the Terps, who overcame big plays by C.J. Spiller, a couple of tactical errors, I’m honestly baffled, after watching the 4th quarter of this one, as to how they won.

12) Duke (2-3, 0-1 ACC, lost to Virginia Tech 34-26): Tough luck for them, as they did not play like the worst team in the ACC on Saturday (that distinction would probably go to their neighbors 8 miles to the East). That being said, Virginia and Maryland won and I’d pick any of the rest of the teams in the league to beat them 9 times out of 10. A career day from Thaddeus Lewis wasn’t enough to overcome Virginia Tech, however.