Archive for January, 2010

The Disloyalty Club

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

Lane Kiffin joins the disloyalty club

NeumannBy Thomas Neumann
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The college football world remains atwitter a day after news broke that Lane Kiffin was leaving Tennessee after one season to replace mentor Pete Carroll at USC.

Should we really be surprised? College football is undoubtedly big business, and many coaches are perceived as mercenaries. Further, this kind of disloyalty isn’t exactly unheard of in the sports world. Granted, it rarely happens to a program as prominent as Tennessee football. But it seems there’s always another job that can offer more money and prestige a new challenge.

Consider that Kiffin has merely become the latest member of Page 2’s fraternity of disloyalty:

Lane Kiffin, January 2010: Is it possible Tennessee was slightly reckless in hiring Kiffin in the first place? Consider that his previous boss fired him for cause and subsequently held a national news conference for the sole purpose of damaging his credibility. Just sayin’. Still, Vols fans are bound to miss this kind of brilliant decision making.

Brian Kelly, December 2009: Kelly left Cincinnati after compiling a 12-0 record in 2009, the most successful season in school history. He also quit the Bearcats as they prepared to meet Florida in the Sugar Bowl, arguably the biggest game in school history. Still, it’s difficult for us to denounce Kelly too badly. When Notre Dame punches your digits, you take the call.

Brett Favre, August 2009: The fabled gunslinger woefully neglected lawn care at his 460-acre ranch in Hattiesburg, Miss., to make a comeback with the Minnesota Vikings.

Jeff Jagodzinski, January 2009: Just two years after being named the coach at Boston College, Jagodzinski openly defied athletic director Gene DeFilippo by flirting with the New York Jets about their open head-coaching position in January 2009. Jagodzinski was then fired, but he landed the Tampa Bay Buccaneers offensive coordinator job just three weeks later. The Bucs then fired him 10 days before the ‘09 season opener.

Gene Chizik, December 2008: Iowa State stood by Chizik after he went 5-19 in his first two seasons in Ames. Nevertheless, he bolted for Auburn, where he had the opportunity to compete in the mighty SEC and freely wear his glasses all the way down the end of his nose without any repercussions.

Rich Rodriguez, December 2007: After coaching for seven seasons at his alma mater, West Virginia, Rodriguez bailed on the Mountaineers to take the Michigan job in what became a messy, infamous divorce. Now, after Rich Rod piloted the Wolverines to consecutive losing seasons for the first time since 1962 and ‘63, many Michigan fans are probably ready for him to move on to the UFL, Ypsilanti High or Big Kahuna Burger, whichever one is hiring.

Bob Huggins, April 2007: Despite coaching Cincinnati to 14 consecutive NCAA tournaments, Huggins was forced out in 2005 after pleading no contest to drunken driving and compiling a poor graduating rate. Despite this baggage, Kansas State took a flier on Huggins in 2006, and the Wildcats went 23-11. By 2007, he was coaching his alma mater, West Virginia. Do we fault him for returning to his roots? Consider the evidence.

Nick Saban, January 2007: In the weeks before accepting an offer from Alabama, the then-Miami Dolphins coach repeatedly denied interest in the Crimson Tide job. At one point, he definitively stated, “I’m not going to be the Alabama coach.” Miami Herald columnist Dan Le Batard later dubbed him “OSaban bin Lying.” In 1990, he ditched Toledo after one season as head coach, taking a job with the Browns as an assistant under Bill Belichick.

Dennis Erickson, December 2006: Despite winning two national championships at the University of Miami, Erickson’s stock was at rock bottom in February 2006 after a 9-23 two-season stay with the San Francisco 49ers and a year out of coaching. Enter the University of Idaho, where Erickson had held his first collegiate head-coaching job from 1982 to ‘85. Erickson returned as coach of the Vandals and assured the school it wouldn’t be just a brief stop in hopes of landing a better job. Ten months later, he was the coach at Arizona State. Erickson also bolted to Washington State in 1987 after a single season at Wyoming.

Johnny Damon, December 2005: The talented outfielder signed a four-year, $52 million contract with the Yankees, thumbing his nose at his Kansas City Royals roots and some other team.

Carlos Boozer, July 2004: Boozer signed a six-year, $68 million deal with the Utah Jazz despite a verbal agreement with Cleveland to re-sign for the mid-level exception after the Cavaliers allowed him to become a free agent. “We are both very surprised and very disappointed,” Cavs owner Gordon Gund and general manager Jim Paxson said in a statement at the time.

Billy Gillispie, 2004, 2007: The former Bill Self assistant bolted Texas-El Paso after two seasons and Texas A&M after three. Gillispie was criticized for being an opportunist, but both moves are understandable. He moved from UTEP to A&M and from the Aggies to Kentucky — both significant upward moves. Often overlooked is the fact that Gillispie’s Miners beat the Harlem Globetrotters in 2003, ending a 288-game winning streak. … Do the Washington Generals need a new coach?

Boston College, 2003: Not long after leading the charge to offer Miami $45 million to remain in the Big East, the Eagles joined the Hurricanes in defecting to the ACC. Despite being a charter member of Big East football, BC agreed in less than four hours to beat a path to Tobacco Road.

Bill Belichick, 2000: “I resign as HC of NYJ.”

Bill Frieder, March 1989: On the eve of the NCAA tournament, the Michigan basketball coach wasn’t just drawing up plays and pondering X’s and O’s. He was working on a deal to take over at Arizona State. Before Frieder could quit, however, athletic director Bo Schembechler canned him, famously declaring, “A Michigan man will coach a Michigan team.” Interim coach Steve Fisher promptly guided the Wolverines to six consecutive victories and the national championship.

Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson, March 1973: At the beginning of spring training, the Yankees pitchers reveal they are swapping wives … kids, cars, homes, pets and lives. Perhaps then-Yankees general manager Lee MacPhail said it best: “We may have to call off Family Day.”

Larry Brown, 1972, 1974, 1979, 1981, 1983, 1988, 1992, 1993, 1997, 2003, 2005, 2006, TBA: In 13 stops as head coach in the professional and collegiate ranks, Brown has stayed more than five seasons in a job just once. His stops: Davidson, Carolina (ABA), Denver (ABA/NBA), UCLA, New Jersey Nets, Kansas, San Antonio Spurs, Los Angeles Clippers, Indiana Pacers, Philadelphia 76ers, Detroit Pistons, New York Knicks and the Charlotte Bobcats. (Whew!) You could say Brown is the most disloyal coach in sports history. We prefer to think he merely wore out his welcome in 12 of those places.

Marcus Junius Brutus, 44 BC: Beware the ides of March? Damn straight.

Who’s got next?

LeBron James, July 2010: Buckle your safety belts, Cleveland.

Gilbert Arenas Self-Help Book…Come On

Friday, January 8th, 2010

Just when all of the Gilbert Arenas gun jokes were about to die out, he goes out and shoots himself in the foot (/takes a bow). Apparently, Arenas has a forthcoming self-help book, entitled “Score Like Agent Zero” (There’s no truth to the rumors that Arenas wrote four titles down on a piece of paper and told the publishers to pick one. See — aren’t Gilbert gun jokes fun?).

According to the blurb, this will be the single greatest book in the history of books (and papyrus too!):

You have just taken a major step toward improving your life. What you hold in your hands is the self-help book to end all self-help books. [...] Want to learn the best way to shoot a free throw? Want to learn how to speak to a woman like Agent Zero?

Please! Enlighten us! While Wizards fans might dispute the idea that Arenas is the best free throw teacher, I’m sure the rest of the book is chock full of useful nuggets on how to lose friends, alienate people and torpedo your career.

But don’t worry — there’s still plenty of time to get your own copy. The book’s release date has reportedly been pushed back from February to May. Pre-order now, while you still can.

Worst Player in Madden 2007 Strikes Back

Monday, January 4th, 2010

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.


John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a – 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.


Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright

Don Shula Too Old For The Boom Boom Pow

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

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Fergie gave coaching legend Don Shula the serenade of a lifetime for his 80th birthday. Shula needed some assistance to enjoy it because I’m sure he, like so many others, believe Fergie is a hermaphrodite.

Urban Meyer Takes Time Off to Follow Tim “Tebus” Tebow

Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

Despite the controversy surrounding Meyer’s resignation we all know the real reason he left UF.