After his debut in the movie industry, Rampage had some interesting words to say about acting and Vancouver.

“Acting is kind of gay,”

“It makes you soft. You got all these people combing your hair and putting a coat over your shoulders when you’re cold. I don’t want a coat over my shoulders! I’m a tough-ass (expletive)!”

“Vancouver strikes me as a San Francisco-kind of place. And I don’t want (expletive) getting ideas about me. I feel in my heart I’m the toughest (expletive) on the planet. And I don’t want nothing changing my train of thought. If you don’t believe that when we step inside the octagon, it shows.”

All this was followed by him getting stomped in the Octagon by Rashad Evans… Rampage is one bad (expletive)

Mike Cameron:

In a recent interview, the Brewers’ Mike Cameron admitted to hitting the field while drunk during his time with the Mariners. He stated:

“Sh-t, I’ve played drunk.”
When?
“New York City.”

But he had no shame, because according to sources he batted his best game against the New York Yankees that day. (http://www.baseball-reference.com/boxes/NYA/NYA200108190.shtml). He amazingly went 4-4 from the plate, with 2 homeruns, and 8 RBIs. It’s only fitting that he ended up with the Brewers. While most men find difficulty hitting the urinal while at the bar, Mike found ease in making contact with a 90 mph fastball.

Sure batting perfect from the plate while drunk is amazing, but what about throwing from the mound?

David Wells:

He pitched a perfect game in 1998 against the Twins, but he only admitted to being “half drunk” in his book “Perfect I’m Not! Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches & Baseball”. I’m not going to bore anyone with the circumstance surrounding this event, but no one got on base. And he was half sober. The end. There was nothing special about that since he could see the plate.

Our next player, however, experienced the Harold and Kumar of MLB experiences. While tripping on LSD, this Pittsburg Pirates pitcher threw a no hitter. Yes, he was fully engulfed in the side effects of LSD when he hurled the no hitter.

Wade Boggs:

There are some players that get drunk before one or two games. Then there was Wade Boggs. The man’s career reeked of day old Budweiser and stale corn chips. This was the type of man that could clear a frat house of all beers, literally. In what has been deemed by many as an urban legend, reports have surfaced about Wade drinking over 60 beers in the span of a 7-hour flight.

While I would like to believe Boggs is not lying, I can’t. Drinking 64 beers on a cross-country flight is something that should go in the record books, not denied. Even if the slightest rumor revealed I completed such a fete, you had better believe I would admit to the achievement. His former teammate Jeff Nelson contested to Wade’s addictive personality, stating in an interview that:

“Wade was the kind of guy who was always the first one at the club house […] and he’d bring a six pack with him. He’d be there drinking a beer when someone showed up, and as we were all packing our stuff up out of our lockers and getting our bags ready for the trip, Wade would sit there and drink that whole six pack.”

And when asked about the legendary 64 beer performance, he added:

“I’ve never seen anyone drink as much beer as [Boggs] did in my life…I’d say, on a typical road trip, east coast to west coast, say a road game to Seattle……Wade would drink anywhere between 50 and 60 beers…I know how crazy that sounds, and I wouldn’t believe it myself unless I saw him do it…..numerous times. And he drank nothing but Miller Lite.”

Why should we believe Nelson over Wade? Because if a man decides to drink 64 beers in 6 hours, he will either die or lose count after the 27th can. Boggs should have no shame in being a human brewery, it’s something lots of men dream of accomplishing. Oh yeah, being a MLB star is a great perk too.

Doc Ellis and the No Hitter

While our three previous major leaguers were throwing back the booze, this man wasn’t joking around. The year was 1970 and Doc Ellis was at the peak of his career. Assuming that he had the day off, Ellis ingenuously took LSD while with some friends at noon. He explains that:

“I was in Los Angeles, and the team was playing in San Diego, but I didn’t know it. I had taken LSD… I thought it was an off day, that’s how come I had it in me. I took the LSD at noon. At 1pm, his girlfriend and trip partner looked at the paper and said, “Dock, you’re pitching today!”

In a hurry, Ellis took a direct flight to San Diego for a little less than $10. The game started at 6 that night. He arrived to the stadium at 4:30 and proceeded to prepare himself for the start. I can only imagine the chaos going through his head.

“I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria.”

If only he would have known the glory that awaited him later that night. Under circumstances that would have left most of us wondering the town in search of Twinkies and things that feel fuzzy to the touch, Ellis attempted to pitch in a regular season MLB game.

“I was zeroed in on the (catcher’s) glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times.”

But that never stopped Ellis, he persevered, although scary at times. He summed it all up by asserting that the occurrence really freaked him the Hell out:

“The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, and sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.”

One thing is for certain, the MLB will never admit to Ellis’ triumphs on the field. Forget watching Chipper bat above 0.450, or the Bonds breaking the HR record, I would have paid good money to see a pitcher tripping on acid, diving out of the way of a bunt that didn’t even reach the mound. That’s the kind of humor you see in Harold and Kumar movies, not in the MLB. Perhaps Bonds and the rest of the human dumptrucks in the MLB have been trying the wrong drug this whole time. Under the effects of perfomance DEhancing drugs, these men excelled in their efforts. While the regular man boasts about being better at beer pong after 14 beers, these guys can brag about throwing no-hitters in an MLB game . . . or playing their entire lives drunk. With the exception of John Daly, you just don’t see these results in any other sport. Baseball: America’s sport.

8. 2001 South Carolina Gamecocks

When it comes to college football there are very few teams that have an intro as intense as the fighting Gamecocks. Clemson, eat your heart out. While running down a hill is cool and all, it just isn’t on the same caliber as your instate rivals.

7. The 1996 Chicago Bulls

This team was a dynasty during the game as well as before. The intro for the 1996 Chicago Bulls (or any of their 90s team for that matter) is something that will never be forgotten.

6. Let’s Get Ready to Ruuuumbleeeeeeeeee

Probably the most iconic phrase in all of boxing . . . it even has its own video game on the Dreamcast.

5. Alaska Nanook’s 2010 Intro

Alaska is a weird place in itself. With the wilderness, darkness, and disconnection from the lower 48 states, there’s not a lot to get excited about in Alaska. However, the Nanook’s 2010 intro has taken hockey to a whole new level.

4. Boston Celtic’s Intro

The Boston Celtic’s intro is to the 2000’s as the Bulls was to the 90’s. Classy, ahead of its time, as well as memorable, it’s something that we will be talking about into the next decade.

3. The 2008 Bejing Opening Ceremonies

Since this is technically a sports intro, it had to be included. Some of the shit the Chinese pulled off in the 2008 Bejing opening ceremonies was absolutely, utterly, and insanely ridiculous.

2. Stone Cold Steve Austin Intro

If there were ever a master to any intro, it would be Stone Cold Steve Austin. If you’re a man and have never wanted to enter a room like a WWE professional wrestler, then you’re lying to yourself.

1. 2009 Alaska Nanooks Intro

No comment needed. The 2010 video couldn’t even compare to this one.

Brock Lesnar, the University of Minnesota wrestling legend who rose to the top of the mixed martial arts world, said Wednesday that he has licked his life-threatening ailment and will return to action this summer.

Lesnar, 32, said in an interview on ESPN that he was mysteriously stricken during his training for what was to be an Ultimate Fighting Championship title defense in November vs. Shane Carwin.

However, the match was called off, when Lesnar fell ill and the heavyweight’s future in fighting and overall well-being were in doubt.

Lesnar said he was suffering from diverticulosis, causing him severe abdominal pain.

“I was just feeling sick for the longest time through my training,” Lesnar said on the sports cable network. The doctors “were dumbfounded,” he added.

“One night, I woke up in severe shock with a 104 temperature,” Lesnar said. “I took antibiotics and pain medication to heal myself or I would have had to remove part of my colon and wear a colonoscopy bag and end my career.”

Lesnar said he dropped about 40 pounds from his hulking frame while in the hospital for 11 days.

After what he called outstanding medical care in Bismarck, N.D., and at the Mayo Clinic that “sav[ed] my life and my career,” the former NCAA wrestling champion and WWE professional wrestler said he took a holistic approach to his healing and avoided surgery.

At a checkup just after the first of the year, Lesnar said, he was the recipient of “a miracle. [The doctors] were dumbfounded. They couldn’t find any signs of any trouble.”

Having put back on 30 pounds, Lesnar said he’s looking forward to a title match this summer, most likely against the winner of the Frank Mir-Carwin interim championship match on March 27 in Newark, N.J.

Lesnar hasn’t been in the octagon since UFC 100 last July, when he beat Mir in the biggest event ever in mixed martial arts.

2. You have absolutely ZERO depth perception:

3. You think the trampoline is a great place to dunk from:

4. You had to enlist in the military instead of the NBA . . . and still can’t dunk:

5. If you think Sir Isaac Newton’s laws do not apply to chairs and dunking off of them:

6. The high school asked you to be the mascot instead of the center:

7. They ask you to put on a Scream mask before attempting a dunk:

8. You’re fat, dunking depends on your life, and there’s only a bucket:

9. See (5) and apply to shopping carts:

10. You’re a nerd and you have a dunk called “the Spidey” involving wall climbing:

11. If your friends convince you to jump off their backs . . . from 10 ft out:

12. You don’t believe in the slippery powers of freaking ICE:

Dungeons & Dragons: For the majority of the American public this live action role playing game says everything about the people that partake in its magical adventures. Geeks, dweebs, nerds, virgins . . . the list of insults are seemingly endless. And prior to becoming a weekly D&D barbarian half-orc named Lord Thorg, I would have absolutely agreed with many of the insults. However, I soon found many of the elements of D&D overlapping into my other favorite fantasy obsession, which is football.

Fantasy football and Dungeons and Dragons are similar in too many ways for me to ignore. The first main similarity is determining the draft order. In fantasy football, being the first pick and the 9th pick can be the difference between Adrian Peterson and DeAngelo Williams . . . Drew Brees and *shivers* Kyle Orton. Getting that first or mid round pick is essential to being successful. Similar to the draft, D&D players roll a 20 sided die to determine who will fight first during a battle. “Rolling for initiative” is like rolling for life or death. Every position has its advantages and disadvantages. Both are games of extreme chance, luck and passion.

Take for instance this clip from FX’s “The League”. If you’re in a diehard fantasy league, there is absolutely no denying that they were on par with this commercial:

While thinking about your fantasy lineup during sex is way different than having sex (something foreign to the honest majority of the D&D realm), it is guaranteed that they will only think of pleasuring their princess while in the bed.

The Draft

The drafting of players is no different than busting out the old D&D character sheet. During the fantasy draft every player has their own strategy, targeted players, and a relative sense on how their distribution of points will work. Similarly, when rolling for your D&D character it is important to take into consideration their class, race, gender, religion, and overall skills. Giving monstrous barbarian half-orc extra points towards a sneak skill is like drafting from the New England clusterfuck of running backs. You know what you’re getting into, but it’s all essentially useless.

The Players

While talking shit to Team Ronnie Brown-noise and Steve McNair Speedholes has become quite a weekly occurrence in my fantasy league, I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to help the onslaught they will likely bring during the weekend. While Drew Brees might be capable of putting up 40 points, my running backs are hit-or-miss while they boast All Day and MJD. As most fantasy owners will tell you, we have absolutely no control over our players destinies in the realm of fantasy football. However, in D&D I can talk shit AND back it up. If Grizzly Nova, the blasphemous ninja monk with a badass fists of fury runs his mouth to me . . . it’s a simple barbarian rage and a gash in the chest with my +3 flaming sword of swiftness. That’ll shut him up while giving me instant pleasure out of the agonizing screams by his character. Of course, it’s all in my head . . . which is no different than fantasy. Yelling “I’m going to burn you with Drew Brees this week” or “I’m going to break Chris Cooley’s ankle” just doesn’t have the same feel. As fucking VIN DIESEL tells it, having full reign over your character is what makes D&D so badass.

The Dungeon Master

The Dungeon Master makes all the rules. He tells you what you can and can’t do, determines your fate, vetoes actions between players, penalizes characters, gives them rewards, etc. Sound familiar? While your commish might not look like the man to the right, it’s guaranteed he takes just as much pleasure out of putting hard work into the league. The DM has to determine story lines, maps, quests, treasures, monsters, friends, foes, layouts of towns, and the list goes on. Preparing for a weekly campaign requires hours of hard work from the DM alone to make it successful.

Gameplay

What’s the difference between sitting around a table all day watching football and playing in a RPG session? One action is simply observing while the other is controlling. While Team First & Visante Shiancoe may be sitting on the couch bragging about a touchdown, Prince Hammerclaw can likewise brag about leveling his character up or finding a magical item during a raid.

Despite the vast differences between the two games, they are utterly alike. I just wanted to point out to the millions of fellow jocks in America that live for the fantasy football weekend that we are no different than those who play RPGs. Even worse, they tend to get off their asses and actually play their game every once and a while.
]]> http://thejockitch.com/2009/10/fantasy-football-is-dungeons-and-dragons/feed/ 15 http://thejockitch.com/2009/08/wow-tough-one-guy-or-girl/ http://thejockitch.com/2009/08/wow-tough-one-guy-or-girl/#comments Wed, 19 Aug 2009 19:09:12 +0000 The Man No One Came To See http://thejockitch.com/?p=761

She/He is being doubted as a woman for obvious reasons. What do you think? Comment with your thoughts