Chastised by his coach Sunday for taunting an opponent, Jets wide receiver Braylon Edwards found himself in much more serious trouble Tuesday – this time flagged by the New York Police Department and charged with drunken driving.

The NYPD told Newsday Edwards, 27, was arrested in Manhattan at 5:15 a.m. after officers pulled over his Range Rover on the West Side Highway at West 34th Street…

8. Fauxjohnmadden

The best things John Madden has brought to professional football is his football game and the approval of “The Annexation of Puerto Rico” in the movie Little Giants. Other than that this husky, boisterous sports personality is more annoying than insightful. However, his twitter account is absolutely ingenious.

7. Notjakedelhomme

Jake Delhomme has been the poster-boy for the Carolina Panthers organization for nearly a decade now. While he has led the Panthers to several playoff appearances and even a Super Bowl, he is still a f*ck up in every sense. While other QB’s boast large endorsements from national brands and chains, this Rajun’ Cajun’ is the spokesman for Bojangles. Even if we could understand a word he was saying, chances are it wouldn’t be as clever as this Twitter account.

6. Fakebrett

I tell ye what ye dere hushpuppy Brett Furrr likes to wear dem Wrangla’ jeans while playin’ for da Vikins’ yeeeeee. Brett Farve is easily the most hated, attention seeking quarterback in the National Football League. If we could understand half the crap that came out of his mouth, he might make for a more interesting quarterback. However, we’ll just have to settle for the antic of Fakebrett.

5. Fakefatjamarcus

Jamarcus Russell is a fat ass, a terrible quarterback, yet a great personality. Sure he may be riding the bench in Oakland, but that simply gives him more time to tweet on the sidelines. Also note he was caught 2 weeks ago with a bag of Skittles in his game pants.

4. Notkurtwarner

As Kurt Warner gets older, he only becomes closer to God. As he becomes closer to God, he will only become a better father, quarterback, and religious nutcase. Sure, his wife Brenda may be most notoriously known for her mother-like appearance while he was with the Rams, but they’re a good family. This also makes for some GREAT tweeting.

3. FauxTigerWoods

In the past month, Tiger has royally screwed up his personal and professional life in a major way. He might have given up a life with a smoking hot Swedish supermodel and his golden boy image, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make fun of him for doing it. While backing out of the driveway might be the only way I can ever outdrive Tiger, this account give me comfort and solace in the fact that even the best go down.

2. FakeTomBrady

Tom Brady might be one of the NFL’s pretty boys, but he has his faults. From the knocking up a chick prior to putting the ring on Giselle to somehow becoming an injury factory every season, it’s easy to hate on Brady. Other than that, he’s also a great fantasy quarterback.

1. Notjaycutler

Cutlerfucker is a drunk. He’s also a party boy, horrible quarterback, fat ass, cocky, guido-esque and can somehow still pull the ladies. I don’t have to say much for this account, it’s simply the best of the best.

Dungeons & Dragons: For the majority of the American public this live action role playing game says everything about the people that partake in its magical adventures. Geeks, dweebs, nerds, virgins . . . the list of insults are seemingly endless. And prior to becoming a weekly D&D barbarian half-orc named Lord Thorg, I would have absolutely agreed with many of the insults. However, I soon found many of the elements of D&D overlapping into my other favorite fantasy obsession, which is football.

Fantasy football and Dungeons and Dragons are similar in too many ways for me to ignore. The first main similarity is determining the draft order. In fantasy football, being the first pick and the 9th pick can be the difference between Adrian Peterson and DeAngelo Williams . . . Drew Brees and *shivers* Kyle Orton. Getting that first or mid round pick is essential to being successful. Similar to the draft, D&D players roll a 20 sided die to determine who will fight first during a battle. “Rolling for initiative” is like rolling for life or death. Every position has its advantages and disadvantages. Both are games of extreme chance, luck and passion.

Take for instance this clip from FX’s “The League”. If you’re in a diehard fantasy league, there is absolutely no denying that they were on par with this commercial:

While thinking about your fantasy lineup during sex is way different than having sex (something foreign to the honest majority of the D&D realm), it is guaranteed that they will only think of pleasuring their princess while in the bed.

The Draft

The drafting of players is no different than busting out the old D&D character sheet. During the fantasy draft every player has their own strategy, targeted players, and a relative sense on how their distribution of points will work. Similarly, when rolling for your D&D character it is important to take into consideration their class, race, gender, religion, and overall skills. Giving monstrous barbarian half-orc extra points towards a sneak skill is like drafting from the New England clusterfuck of running backs. You know what you’re getting into, but it’s all essentially useless.

The Players

While talking shit to Team Ronnie Brown-noise and Steve McNair Speedholes has become quite a weekly occurrence in my fantasy league, I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to help the onslaught they will likely bring during the weekend. While Drew Brees might be capable of putting up 40 points, my running backs are hit-or-miss while they boast All Day and MJD. As most fantasy owners will tell you, we have absolutely no control over our players destinies in the realm of fantasy football. However, in D&D I can talk shit AND back it up. If Grizzly Nova, the blasphemous ninja monk with a badass fists of fury runs his mouth to me . . . it’s a simple barbarian rage and a gash in the chest with my +3 flaming sword of swiftness. That’ll shut him up while giving me instant pleasure out of the agonizing screams by his character. Of course, it’s all in my head . . . which is no different than fantasy. Yelling “I’m going to burn you with Drew Brees this week” or “I’m going to break Chris Cooley’s ankle” just doesn’t have the same feel. As fucking VIN DIESEL tells it, having full reign over your character is what makes D&D so badass.

The Dungeon Master

The Dungeon Master makes all the rules. He tells you what you can and can’t do, determines your fate, vetoes actions between players, penalizes characters, gives them rewards, etc. Sound familiar? While your commish might not look like the man to the right, it’s guaranteed he takes just as much pleasure out of putting hard work into the league. The DM has to determine story lines, maps, quests, treasures, monsters, friends, foes, layouts of towns, and the list goes on. Preparing for a weekly campaign requires hours of hard work from the DM alone to make it successful.

Gameplay

What’s the difference between sitting around a table all day watching football and playing in a RPG session? One action is simply observing while the other is controlling. While Team First & Visante Shiancoe may be sitting on the couch bragging about a touchdown, Prince Hammerclaw can likewise brag about leveling his character up or finding a magical item during a raid.

Despite the vast differences between the two games, they are utterly alike. I just wanted to point out to the millions of fellow jocks in America that live for the fantasy football weekend that we are no different than those who play RPGs. Even worse, they tend to get off their asses and actually play their game every once and a while.
]]> http://thejockitch.com/2009/10/fantasy-football-is-dungeons-and-dragons/feed/ 15 http://thejockitch.com/2009/08/the-most-ill-advised-awesomely-inappropriate-2009-fantasy-football-team-names/ http://thejockitch.com/2009/08/the-most-ill-advised-awesomely-inappropriate-2009-fantasy-football-team-names/#comments Thu, 20 Aug 2009 18:23:47 +0000 Serge Zwikker on the Break http://thejockitch.com/?p=770 It’s that time of the year again: fantasy football season. The time of the year when all men shy away from making love to their smoking hot wives and spend more time delving into the depths of sports blogs and football stats. Is this sad? Perhaps. But one thing seems to happen annually to all fantasy lovers: getting stuck in a league you never wanted to be a part of in the first place.

Perhaps it is a work, dorm, or family league . . . either way the fact is you didn’t pay $100 to enter and the only thing on the line is pride. But if all else fails and you have a terrible draft, at least you can fall back on one thing: a clever name.

Here is a list of the best fantasy football team names for the 2009-2010 season:

Steve McNair Names

Steve McNair’s Speedholes

Affair McNair

McNair is My Sleeper Pick

Aired Out McNair

Steve McNair Shotgun Draw

Ghosts of Girlfriend’s Past II – Airholes

Mike Vick Names

Mike Vick’s Pitbull Mittens

Mike Vick and the Parole Violatazzz

Vick’s Wildcat Dogfight

Kibbles ‘n’ Vicks

Vick’s 6-ft Underdogs

Ron Mexico & the Itches

Hide Your Beagle, Vick’s an Eagle

Visanthe Shiancoe Names

1st & Visanthe Shiancoe

Visanthe Shankhoes

Visanthe’s Taint Tears

Chad Ochocinco Names

Chad Lost his Johnson

Chad’s MuchoFuckos

Chad Ochocinco Thinks My Team Name’s More Tragic than 9/11

Ochocinco Said he’d Tweet me a Name

Ben Roethlisberger Names

Big Ben’s Ouchy Penis Spot

Andrea McNulty’s TV Repair

Big Ben’s TV Repairman

Donte Stallworth Names

Donte Stallworth’s High Beams

Stallworth Steamrollers

Donte’s Bloody Bentleys

Donte’s Law: Pedestrians are Easier to Catch than Footballs

Donte’s 30 Days & 30 Nights

Jay Cutler Names

Cutlerfucker’s Insulin Dealer

Blood Sugar Sex Cannon

The Diabetic Shockers

4th & Drunk
Brett Farve Names

Farve Dollar Footlong

Farve, Retiring Since 2006

It’s Farve from Over

Farvefromchoosing

FUCKBRETTFARVE!

The BrittFarr Mississippi Drama Queens

Tom Brady Names

Gisele to Pound Town

Brady Left Knee Bounty

Brady’s Unused Condoms

Tom Brady at the Battle of Wounded Knee

Detroit Lions Name

Swim, Swim, Swim

Buoy Lions

Other Names

Ronnie Brown Noise

Wildcat Malt Offense

Forgetting Brandon Marshall

Erin Andrew’s Peephole

Erin Andrew’s Landing Strip

Shockey was Never Conscious Anyways

First Down Syndrome

99 Problems and A-ddai Ain’t One

New Orly Taints

Romo-Sexual

Kardashian Trimmed Some Bush

Backfield Penetration

Eli – The Other White Manning

Black Horse & the Crab Tree

SUNDAY MORNING WOOD!

• Big Ben’s Ouchy Penis Spot
• Ronnie Brown Noise
• Steve McNair’s Speed Holes
• Aired Out McNair
• Steve McNair Shotgun Draw
• Affair McNair
• Wildcat Malt Offense
• McNair is my Sleeper
• Stallworth’s High Beams
• Stallworth’s Steamrollers
• Mike Vick’s Pitbull Mittens
• Chad’s Mucho Fucko’s
• First & Visante Shiancoe
• Chad Ochocinco Thinks My Fantasy Team is More Tragic than 9/11
• Forgetting Brandon Marshall
• Chad Lost His Johnson