I am going with Strasburg since Washington D.C. has nothing going right for it.

Mike Cameron:

In a recent interview, the Brewers’ Mike Cameron admitted to hitting the field while drunk during his time with the Mariners. He stated:

“Sh-t, I’ve played drunk.”
When?
“New York City.”

But he had no shame, because according to sources he batted his best game against the New York Yankees that day. (http://www.baseball-reference.com/boxes/NYA/NYA200108190.shtml). He amazingly went 4-4 from the plate, with 2 homeruns, and 8 RBIs. It’s only fitting that he ended up with the Brewers. While most men find difficulty hitting the urinal while at the bar, Mike found ease in making contact with a 90 mph fastball.

Sure batting perfect from the plate while drunk is amazing, but what about throwing from the mound?

David Wells:

He pitched a perfect game in 1998 against the Twins, but he only admitted to being “half drunk” in his book “Perfect I’m Not! Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches & Baseball”. I’m not going to bore anyone with the circumstance surrounding this event, but no one got on base. And he was half sober. The end. There was nothing special about that since he could see the plate.

Our next player, however, experienced the Harold and Kumar of MLB experiences. While tripping on LSD, this Pittsburg Pirates pitcher threw a no hitter. Yes, he was fully engulfed in the side effects of LSD when he hurled the no hitter.

Wade Boggs:

There are some players that get drunk before one or two games. Then there was Wade Boggs. The man’s career reeked of day old Budweiser and stale corn chips. This was the type of man that could clear a frat house of all beers, literally. In what has been deemed by many as an urban legend, reports have surfaced about Wade drinking over 60 beers in the span of a 7-hour flight.

While I would like to believe Boggs is not lying, I can’t. Drinking 64 beers on a cross-country flight is something that should go in the record books, not denied. Even if the slightest rumor revealed I completed such a fete, you had better believe I would admit to the achievement. His former teammate Jeff Nelson contested to Wade’s addictive personality, stating in an interview that:

“Wade was the kind of guy who was always the first one at the club house […] and he’d bring a six pack with him. He’d be there drinking a beer when someone showed up, and as we were all packing our stuff up out of our lockers and getting our bags ready for the trip, Wade would sit there and drink that whole six pack.”

And when asked about the legendary 64 beer performance, he added:

“I’ve never seen anyone drink as much beer as [Boggs] did in my life…I’d say, on a typical road trip, east coast to west coast, say a road game to Seattle……Wade would drink anywhere between 50 and 60 beers…I know how crazy that sounds, and I wouldn’t believe it myself unless I saw him do it…..numerous times. And he drank nothing but Miller Lite.”

Why should we believe Nelson over Wade? Because if a man decides to drink 64 beers in 6 hours, he will either die or lose count after the 27th can. Boggs should have no shame in being a human brewery, it’s something lots of men dream of accomplishing. Oh yeah, being a MLB star is a great perk too.

Doc Ellis and the No Hitter

While our three previous major leaguers were throwing back the booze, this man wasn’t joking around. The year was 1970 and Doc Ellis was at the peak of his career. Assuming that he had the day off, Ellis ingenuously took LSD while with some friends at noon. He explains that:

“I was in Los Angeles, and the team was playing in San Diego, but I didn’t know it. I had taken LSD… I thought it was an off day, that’s how come I had it in me. I took the LSD at noon. At 1pm, his girlfriend and trip partner looked at the paper and said, “Dock, you’re pitching today!”

In a hurry, Ellis took a direct flight to San Diego for a little less than $10. The game started at 6 that night. He arrived to the stadium at 4:30 and proceeded to prepare himself for the start. I can only imagine the chaos going through his head.

“I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria.”

If only he would have known the glory that awaited him later that night. Under circumstances that would have left most of us wondering the town in search of Twinkies and things that feel fuzzy to the touch, Ellis attempted to pitch in a regular season MLB game.

“I was zeroed in on the (catcher’s) glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times.”

But that never stopped Ellis, he persevered, although scary at times. He summed it all up by asserting that the occurrence really freaked him the Hell out:

“The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, and sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.”

One thing is for certain, the MLB will never admit to Ellis’ triumphs on the field. Forget watching Chipper bat above 0.450, or the Bonds breaking the HR record, I would have paid good money to see a pitcher tripping on acid, diving out of the way of a bunt that didn’t even reach the mound. That’s the kind of humor you see in Harold and Kumar movies, not in the MLB. Perhaps Bonds and the rest of the human dumptrucks in the MLB have been trying the wrong drug this whole time. Under the effects of perfomance DEhancing drugs, these men excelled in their efforts. While the regular man boasts about being better at beer pong after 14 beers, these guys can brag about throwing no-hitters in an MLB game . . . or playing their entire lives drunk. With the exception of John Daly, you just don’t see these results in any other sport. Baseball: America’s sport.

A Botched Slide:

A Pulled Hammy:

A Slip at First Base:

And a Broken Ankle:

Throughout last season, all the west coast media blabbed about was how Manny became a positive influence to the Dodger’s lineup by “calming” the nerves of young bench players as well as giving them a much needed confidence boost. However, if you look at the stats, the media was clearly blubbering as Manny did nothing for their overall stats. RBIs and HRs dropped significantly, while the only their on base and batting average made a noticeable increase (only in some). 

Player…..Pre Manny/Post..AVE…OBP…..SLG…..OPS…AB…R..HR..RBI..SB

Andre Ethier………..Pre..0.274…0.338…0.442…0.779..351..53..11…46…3

Andre Ethier……….Post..0.368…0.448…0.649…1.097..174..37…9…31…3

Matt Kemp…………..Pre..0.295…0.351…0.464…0.815..390..57..12…57..26

Matt Kemp………….Post..0.282…0.319…0.449…0.768..216..36…6…19…9

James Loney…………Pre..0.296…0.354…0.456…0.810..395..53…9…60…4

James Loney………..Post..0.275…0.307…0.390…0.697..200..13…4…30…3

Russell Martin………Pre..0.297…0.393…0.428…0.821..374..56..10…52..10

Russell Martin……..Post..0.246…0.367…0.330…0.697..179..31…3…17…8

Although the Dodgers are indeed missing an integral part of their lineup, it will be interesting to see what kind of impact the absence of Manny will play through mid-June.  A Deadspin reader pointed out that:

What was the first night of post-Mannywood like? Totally strange. It’s like someone took a scrub brush and wiped every trace of Manny from the stadium-including the fans. I figured there probably wouldn’t be Manny videos and I thought they might even pull the Manny merch from the stands and vendors (I didn’t see any for sale) but I looked all night and couldn’t even find a fan with a Manny shirt on. (And these guys are usually everywhere….often with the fake dreds). Seems LA has turned on the guy, at least judging from how quickly he’s been forgotten. Oh, except we lost in spectacular fashion. That hadn’t seemed to happen much (or at all) this season.

On the other hand, it seems the only person celebrating the Manny steroid allegations is our good friend Jose Canseco. Jose decided to hold a special press conference in a LA hotel earlier today to say “I told you so” and accept any questions. The results are as follows:

That’s right, only 1 AP reporter made the trip to hear Jose’s ego feeding and “I told you so’s”. The only question reportedly asked was by a hotel busboy regarding the “freeness” of the ham sandwiches.

“Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.

“I want to apologize to Mr. McCourt, Mrs. McCourt, Mr. Torre, my teammates, the Dodger organization, and to the Dodger fans. LA is a special place to me and I know everybody is disappointed. So am I. I’m sorry about this whole situation.” 

Also according to the LA Times:

The loss of Ramirez would leave a gaping hole in the Dodgers’ lineup. Juan Pierre, the likely replacement for Ramirez in left field, has batted ninth in two of his five starts this season.

Ramirez doubled and drove in two runs on Wednesday, as the Dodgers set a major league record with their 13th consecutive home victory at the start of the season. The Dodgers have the best record in the major leagues, at 21-8, and the biggest division lead in the majors, at 6 1/2 games in the National League West.

Ramirez leads the Dodgers in batting average (.348), on-base percentage (.492) and slugging percentage (.641), and he is tied for the team lead in home runs with six.

He signed a two-year, $45-million contract with the Dodgers in March, with the first year guaranteed at $25 million and the second year at his option at $20 million.

In an appearance at USC last month, Jose Canseco said Ramirez’s name “is most 

“He went down and I thought maybe he might be unconscious,” Duncan said. “So I tried to talk to him. I said, ‘Are you all right?’ and he said, ‘I think so. I’m just going to lay here.’ He said he had hit the wall hard and he [thought] he was all right, but he [was] not going to move. He said his back hurt a little bit, but he could feel everything and he didn’t want to move. I told him to hold on and that they were coming out.”

One might ask themselves if Ankiel had kept the mustache, could the injury have been prevented? My response is absolutely. The presence of an upper lip man-garden establishes itself not only in breathtaking looks, but in mass as well. The mass of the lip fur establishes itself within the equilibrium of the beholder within a week of its birth. Once Ankiel had rid himself of the follicle lip drapes, he had thrown off his equilibrium and essentially the cat-like balance needed to complete agile plays in centerfield. 

While we are absolutely glad that Ankiel is uninjured and he will return to the diamond in the coming weeks, we hope this is a lesson to all who grow a mustache for fun and games. Suddenly growing and ridding yourself of a mustache will cause severe short term health effects, most notably in your bodily equilibrium. Don’t do it unless you are committed to refraining from athletic competition for at least 6 months.

*Note: A follow up on this can be found at the American Mustache Institute’s site. Perlut and the guys are currently experiencing a nationwide debate over a Utah mayor’s mustache and its questionable fate.

It lived a life most of us would envy. But, in the end, the luxurious mustache worn by St. Louis Cardinals outfield Rick Ankiel never really had a chance and ended up in a bathroom basin, dead after less than a week of life.

As reported by Deadspin founder Will Leitch from Turner Field on April 27, Ankiel shaved his mustache which had helped him increase his batting average some 80 points.

In memory of it’s passing, the American Mustache Institute coordinated a candlelight vigil Tuesday night along the Mississippi River underneath the world’s largest mustache — St. Louis’ Gateway Arch.

During the ceremony, AMI’s chief executive officer, Dr. Abraham J. Froman, was clearly shaken.

“We salute Mr. Ankiel for having the gumption and good looks required to grow a high quality lip canvas when many said he couldn’t,” said Dr. Froman. “Sadly, his actions have disappointed us all, most notably, his upper lip. Now, his mouth brow is gone and there’s a void above his lip and in the hearts of the Mustached American community everywhere.”

Ankiel, the former pitcher turned outfielder, grew his mustache in controversy. Teammate Albert Pujols had petitioned and was denied by Major League Baseball the opportunity to  shave his goatee into a true flavor saving mustache for fear that adding a performance enhancing mustache would give him too much of an advantage and possibly endanger opposing National League pitchers..

The exploits of Ankiel’s labia sebucula (Latin for “lip sweater”) were cheered by mustache wearers across the U.S. and beyond who saw in Little Ricky the kind of role model that emerges once in a generation. His chevron-style mustache was reminiscent of a young Tommy Selleck, and it was beginning to set him apart from the rest of the league which has  largely deserted the mustache since the early 1980s. 

As the defender of mustache rights, The American Mustache Institute saluted Ankiel, pointing to the need for diversity on the diamond and beyond. But, it wasn’t enough and Punky Rickster gave into the pressure and shaved.

“Sadly, despite AMI’s efforts, a mustache was shaved yesterday,” added Dr. Froman. “And as written in the Dead Sea Scrolls, every time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth, which is a shame. Our prayers are, of course, with the family.”

The American Mustache Institute has established a fund in memory of Ricky Riboflavin’s mustache that will be used to educate young people about the merits of facial hair. Contributions are being accepted through the AMI website.

“Never forget, a mustache is a terrible thing to shave,” a resigned Froman closed.

 Carry on.

You can find more of this at DC Sports Blog.