Two weeks following the removal of his mustache, Rick Ankiel now finds his face injured in a head on collision with the centerfield wall after a line drive by Phillies third baseman Pedro Feliz. According to the Cardinals, Ankiel underwent X-rays and CT scans of his head, neck, and back late last night. All tests came back negative for fractures. The Cardinal’s GM John Mozeliak said that Ankiel had movement and feeling in both his arms and his legs, and the team doctor expects him to make a full recovery. According to the Cardinal’s team site, outfielder Chris Duncan was closest to Ankiel when the collision with the wall occured. 

“He went down and I thought maybe he might be unconscious,” Duncan said. “So I tried to talk to him. I said, ‘Are you all right?’ and he said, ‘I think so. I’m just going to lay here.’ He said he had hit the wall hard and he [thought] he was all right, but he [was] not going to move. He said his back hurt a little bit, but he could feel everything and he didn’t want to move. I told him to hold on and that they were coming out.”

One might ask themselves if Ankiel had kept the mustache, could the injury have been prevented? My response is absolutely. The presence of an upper lip man-garden establishes itself not only in breathtaking looks, but in mass as well. The mass of the lip fur establishes itself within the equilibrium of the beholder within a week of its birth. Once Ankiel had rid himself of the follicle lip drapes, he had thrown off his equilibrium and essentially the cat-like balance needed to complete agile plays in centerfield. 

While we are absolutely glad that Ankiel is uninjured and he will return to the diamond in the coming weeks, we hope this is a lesson to all who grow a mustache for fun and games. Suddenly growing and ridding yourself of a mustache will cause severe short term health effects, most notably in your bodily equilibrium. Don’t do it unless you are committed to refraining from athletic competition for at least 6 months.

*Note: A follow up on this can be found at the American Mustache Institute’s site. Perlut and the guys are currently experiencing a nationwide debate over a Utah mayor’s mustache and its questionable fate.

The AMI is one of greatness and glory, but I have never gotten a better laugh than the eulogy of Ankiel’s mustache. For complete coverage and immersian into mustache glory, visit the site. Here’s a little excerpt: 

It lived a life most of us would envy. But, in the end, the luxurious mustache worn by St. Louis Cardinals outfield Rick Ankiel never really had a chance and ended up in a bathroom basin, dead after less than a week of life.

As reported by Deadspin founder Will Leitch from Turner Field on April 27, Ankiel shaved his mustache which had helped him increase his batting average some 80 points.

In memory of it’s passing, the American Mustache Institute coordinated a candlelight vigil Tuesday night along the Mississippi River underneath the world’s largest mustache — St. Louis’ Gateway Arch.

During the ceremony, AMI’s chief executive officer, Dr. Abraham J. Froman, was clearly shaken.

“We salute Mr. Ankiel for having the gumption and good looks required to grow a high quality lip canvas when many said he couldn’t,” said Dr. Froman. “Sadly, his actions have disappointed us all, most notably, his upper lip. Now, his mouth brow is gone and there’s a void above his lip and in the hearts of the Mustached American community everywhere.”

Ankiel, the former pitcher turned outfielder, grew his mustache in controversy. Teammate Albert Pujols had petitioned and was denied by Major League Baseball the opportunity to  shave his goatee into a true flavor saving mustache for fear that adding a performance enhancing mustache would give him too much of an advantage and possibly endanger opposing National League pitchers..

The exploits of Ankiel’s labia sebucula (Latin for “lip sweater”) were cheered by mustache wearers across the U.S. and beyond who saw in Little Ricky the kind of role model that emerges once in a generation. His chevron-style mustache was reminiscent of a young Tommy Selleck, and it was beginning to set him apart from the rest of the league which has  largely deserted the mustache since the early 1980s. 

As the defender of mustache rights, The American Mustache Institute saluted Ankiel, pointing to the need for diversity on the diamond and beyond. But, it wasn’t enough and Punky Rickster gave into the pressure and shaved.

“Sadly, despite AMI’s efforts, a mustache was shaved yesterday,” added Dr. Froman. “And as written in the Dead Sea Scrolls, every time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth, which is a shame. Our prayers are, of course, with the family.”

The American Mustache Institute has established a fund in memory of Ricky Riboflavin’s mustache that will be used to educate young people about the merits of facial hair. Contributions are being accepted through the AMI website.

“Never forget, a mustache is a terrible thing to shave,” a resigned Froman closed.

 Carry on.