Mike Cameron:

In a recent interview, the Brewers’ Mike Cameron admitted to hitting the field while drunk during his time with the Mariners. He stated:

“Sh-t, I’ve played drunk.”
When?
“New York City.”

But he had no shame, because according to sources he batted his best game against the New York Yankees that day. (http://www.baseball-reference.com/boxes/NYA/NYA200108190.shtml). He amazingly went 4-4 from the plate, with 2 homeruns, and 8 RBIs. It’s only fitting that he ended up with the Brewers. While most men find difficulty hitting the urinal while at the bar, Mike found ease in making contact with a 90 mph fastball.

Sure batting perfect from the plate while drunk is amazing, but what about throwing from the mound?

David Wells:

He pitched a perfect game in 1998 against the Twins, but he only admitted to being “half drunk” in his book “Perfect I’m Not! Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches & Baseball”. I’m not going to bore anyone with the circumstance surrounding this event, but no one got on base. And he was half sober. The end. There was nothing special about that since he could see the plate.

Our next player, however, experienced the Harold and Kumar of MLB experiences. While tripping on LSD, this Pittsburg Pirates pitcher threw a no hitter. Yes, he was fully engulfed in the side effects of LSD when he hurled the no hitter.

Wade Boggs:

There are some players that get drunk before one or two games. Then there was Wade Boggs. The man’s career reeked of day old Budweiser and stale corn chips. This was the type of man that could clear a frat house of all beers, literally. In what has been deemed by many as an urban legend, reports have surfaced about Wade drinking over 60 beers in the span of a 7-hour flight.

While I would like to believe Boggs is not lying, I can’t. Drinking 64 beers on a cross-country flight is something that should go in the record books, not denied. Even if the slightest rumor revealed I completed such a fete, you had better believe I would admit to the achievement. His former teammate Jeff Nelson contested to Wade’s addictive personality, stating in an interview that:

“Wade was the kind of guy who was always the first one at the club house […] and he’d bring a six pack with him. He’d be there drinking a beer when someone showed up, and as we were all packing our stuff up out of our lockers and getting our bags ready for the trip, Wade would sit there and drink that whole six pack.”

And when asked about the legendary 64 beer performance, he added:

“I’ve never seen anyone drink as much beer as [Boggs] did in my life…I’d say, on a typical road trip, east coast to west coast, say a road game to Seattle……Wade would drink anywhere between 50 and 60 beers…I know how crazy that sounds, and I wouldn’t believe it myself unless I saw him do it…..numerous times. And he drank nothing but Miller Lite.”

Why should we believe Nelson over Wade? Because if a man decides to drink 64 beers in 6 hours, he will either die or lose count after the 27th can. Boggs should have no shame in being a human brewery, it’s something lots of men dream of accomplishing. Oh yeah, being a MLB star is a great perk too.

Doc Ellis and the No Hitter

While our three previous major leaguers were throwing back the booze, this man wasn’t joking around. The year was 1970 and Doc Ellis was at the peak of his career. Assuming that he had the day off, Ellis ingenuously took LSD while with some friends at noon. He explains that:

“I was in Los Angeles, and the team was playing in San Diego, but I didn’t know it. I had taken LSD… I thought it was an off day, that’s how come I had it in me. I took the LSD at noon. At 1pm, his girlfriend and trip partner looked at the paper and said, “Dock, you’re pitching today!”

In a hurry, Ellis took a direct flight to San Diego for a little less than $10. The game started at 6 that night. He arrived to the stadium at 4:30 and proceeded to prepare himself for the start. I can only imagine the chaos going through his head.

“I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria.”

If only he would have known the glory that awaited him later that night. Under circumstances that would have left most of us wondering the town in search of Twinkies and things that feel fuzzy to the touch, Ellis attempted to pitch in a regular season MLB game.

“I was zeroed in on the (catcher’s) glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times.”

But that never stopped Ellis, he persevered, although scary at times. He summed it all up by asserting that the occurrence really freaked him the Hell out:

“The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, and sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.”

One thing is for certain, the MLB will never admit to Ellis’ triumphs on the field. Forget watching Chipper bat above 0.450, or the Bonds breaking the HR record, I would have paid good money to see a pitcher tripping on acid, diving out of the way of a bunt that didn’t even reach the mound. That’s the kind of humor you see in Harold and Kumar movies, not in the MLB. Perhaps Bonds and the rest of the human dumptrucks in the MLB have been trying the wrong drug this whole time. Under the effects of perfomance DEhancing drugs, these men excelled in their efforts. While the regular man boasts about being better at beer pong after 14 beers, these guys can brag about throwing no-hitters in an MLB game . . . or playing their entire lives drunk. With the exception of John Daly, you just don’t see these results in any other sport. Baseball: America’s sport.

2. You have absolutely ZERO depth perception:

3. You think the trampoline is a great place to dunk from:

4. You had to enlist in the military instead of the NBA . . . and still can’t dunk:

5. If you think Sir Isaac Newton’s laws do not apply to chairs and dunking off of them:

6. The high school asked you to be the mascot instead of the center:

7. They ask you to put on a Scream mask before attempting a dunk:

8. You’re fat, dunking depends on your life, and there’s only a bucket:

9. See (5) and apply to shopping carts:

10. You’re a nerd and you have a dunk called “the Spidey” involving wall climbing:

11. If your friends convince you to jump off their backs . . . from 10 ft out:

12. You don’t believe in the slippery powers of freaking ICE:

Monday Night Raw in Raleigh, NC has come and gone and we are still awed by the wrestling live and ashamed of the fake ZZ Top. Going to Raw this past Monday fulfilled a teenage dream of mine, only it proved to be so much more. Let me give you a recap of our night at Rawleigh:

No one could understand why we wanted to go:

6:45- Depart Chapel Hill destine for Raw

6:50- Stop at nearest gas station and buy every single 40 they had

7:20- Arrive at Stadium and begin Edward 40 hands. First Mullet Sighting

8:00- Finish 40’s and patroled area

8:15- Enter the stadium to see the preliminary matches.

Entering the stadium was a rush, no event matches the passion that fans have for Raw. Whether you are there to observe the hilarity of the crowd and the wrestling or you are a huge fan, you cannot help but get caught in the intensity of the matches.

The matches were amazing and included most of our favorites including John Cena, Triple H, and Kofi Kingston.

Raw was easily the most exciting and fun sporting(maybe) event i have been to in my life. Much more fun then Sunday at the Masters, Sunday at the US Open, and a Duke Carolina game. So for all the haters out there Shut Up.

There were two problems with Raw. First being the host ZZ Top. For the first 2/3 of Raw they remained backstage and only had videos of themselves talking and fake playing the guitar. Yes they were not even really playing. And then right before the Main Event, WWE decides to drive a ZZ Top car out and show off two guys sporting large ZZ Top-esque beards but they suspiciously never go to the stage nor do they show a close-up of them on the screen. My opinion is that they were not actually in Raleigh but instead had recorded their clips earlier and never came to the stadium. I felt screwed by the WWE. My second issue is not with the WWE but instead the price of beer at the stadium. $7 for a 16oz beer, seriously, i still bought three couldn’t resist.

Raw was awesome but much less trashy than expect. yeah i know im sorry, i only saw two mullets. All in all i recommend Raw to anyone who does not have a stick shoved way up there asses and an relax and enjoy the greatest fake sporting event around, sorry Smackdown

With the Rawleigh tonight, i decided that posting the Monday Night Raw drinking game would be good to spread the good word of WWE. These are only a handful in total there are about 100 with new ones added every week. These rules are also followed rather loosely because if you were to strict adhere you would get alcohol poisoning.

Drink every time…

1. there is entrance music
2. a wrestler uses his/her special move
3. there is unnecessary backstage drama
4. there is a 2 count on an attempted pin
5. drink double for a one count
6. you laugh (this one gets brutal)
7. the ref does unnecessary and ridiculous hand motions
8. there is an attempted joke that is terrible
9. a diva muff dives another diva
10. they hype their next pay-per-view
11. you see a terrible sign in the crowd
12. an outside object, a chair, ladder, sledgehammer, etc., is introduced to the match
13. Raw cuts to commercial mid-match only to return to the other guy winning now (called a “Commercial Reversal”)
14. a tag team partner begs to be tagged in
15. someone is knocked out by something that shouldn’t have hurt
16. they mess up a move

This game is to be played with 40’s of Malt Liquor or Beer.

On Monday, July 20th, I will be crossing off one line of my bucket list-attend a WWE/WWF event. From 5th to 7th grade, I was a WWF fanatic, I watched wrestling five nights a week ranging from WWF Raw and Smackdownm to WCW Nitro on Wednesday nights. But as I matured wrestling became a thing of the past, a desperate attempt at enjoyment in the misery of puberty. But when college came around I found a group of people that understood what it is to watch Monday Night Raw, and the rest as we say is history.

Monday Night Raw in Raleigh, NC has been renamed RAWleigh and will most definitely change my life. Let me hit you with my expectations.

• The Guest Host ZZ Top will perform a song and undoubtedly get attacked in the ring and cause an intense change of events for the pay-per-view next Sunday.
• Mullets, Mullets, and more Mullets
• Edward 40 Hands for the whole crew
• Playing the epic RAW drinking game while in the stadium

I will post the RAW drinking game rules up on Monday, there are a lot of them and they are constantly changing so its a tough game to master.

Since our junior year of high school, the ole “gang” of Stanly County, North Carolina takes their annual Mecca to Southern heaven. You see, we’re from a place a little too quaint to be referred to by its real name. The locals call our community Aquadale, but we reluctantly refer to our homes as the UCLA (Upper Cottonville, Lower Aquadale). Besides the UCLA, there are also the towns of Finger, Big Lick, Porter, and Frog Pond between the closest city, Concord and us.

Concord is important in the culture of North Carolina because it is the first real establishment of a major NASCAR motor speedway in our state and arguably the East Coast. While Eastern and Western North Carolina may be divided by difference in terrain, barbeque, political affiliations, and crop types . . . the city of Concord and its Lowes Motor Speedway have acted as a melting pot in this state for nearly 50 years. Even if you don’t like NASCAR, if you live in North Carolina a race is something you have to experience one time in your life.

As for the ole “gang”, we cannot stand the sport of motorcar racing. The athletic prowess of sitting in an air-conditioned suit, turning left, pressing a throttle, and shifting gears seems about as difficult as Woody Harrelson out jumping Wesley Snipes in a Hollywood movie. And since Snipes has long been considered the epitome of an awful basketball player, it’s easy to see why we have no passion for the sport. Our first visit to the speedway in 2002 raised one question: How do we eliminate the boredom? The answer was overwhelming easy: Mullet hunt.

Sweet, beautiful, perfectly trimmed, groomed, flowing mullets. The presence of a backyard follicle garden was nothing new to us . . . we did grow up in the armpits of the UCLA. However, never had we seen these beauties in such high concentrations. If the mullet were a case of the swine flu, we were right in central Mexico City during mid April.

Over the years we began to perfect the art of mullet hunting, until we could soon consider ourselves experts on the hairstyle, and eventually create our own set of rules and regulations. The rules of mullet hunting were simple:

1. First of all, always show respect to the mullet. These young men and women have spent the majority of their lives combing this business in the front, party in the back type of lifestyle. By keeping this in mind, you must always remember that these people are stronger than you, therefore much more confident in their appearance. If you can’t sport the mullet, then respect the person who can.

2. Never get caught taking the picture. If you are asked to delete the picture, then never lie to the mullet. Save the violence for your faux MMA fights or Wii bowling.

3. Don’t take pictures of the mullet young. These children have yet to realize they are sporting the most kickass haircut in the world. The mullet reflects your personality and lifestyle therefore should be a conscious decision. Unless the child was Joe-Dirted and born with a mullet, then no pictures can be taken.

The Point System

The mullet hunting point system is rather simple. The location of the picture itself is the first criterion for gaining points.

A mullet from the back acquires one (1) point: There is no skill involved in capturing the mullet from the back. Sure, it shows the style in all its glory, but no guts no glory in this sport. 


A mullet from the side acquires two (2) points: I call this style the “Bigfoot” pose. I have found the best way to capture a mullet from the side is by yelling “Boobs” at the top of my lungs. The specimen will begin a prairie dog-like sequence of looking back and forth. The photo opportunities here are endless.

A mullet from the front acquires three (3) points: Only the serious mullet hunters go for this method of photography. There are no secrets or special skills involved in this; you just have to have the guts and ability to capture a mullet from the front.

For each of the following items, add one (1) point: Any woman considered “race hott”, if the man is shirtless, if there is a beer in the picture, if there is a race related tattoo, if there is a tribal tattoo, or if there is a visible “farmers” tan line.

Add two (2) points: If you can include yourself, or another friend in the picture with the mullet.

Add three (3) points: If you are actually touching the mullet in the picture. I have never been able to pull this off, but I am certain there are some natural mullet hunters capable of doing so.

At the end of the day, view and tally the points for every picture. Your grand total will be the sum of all pictures taken at the race.

The Method:

Capturing the perfect mullet cannot be done unless there is a true and concentrated effort towards acting like you belong in North Carolina. The first obstacle to overcome is dressing appropriately. For men, this means wearing a shirt without sleeves, a race t-shirt with sleeves, flannel, or a combination of all three. Hats are usually a necessity, unless you are of mullet royalty.

            For women, the dress is quite simple. During a race, anything and everything goes for women. The less clothes the better regardless of your body type, skin color, or lack of teeth. During a NASCAR event, a woman otherwise deemed “whorish” in regular society will be crowned as “race hott”. If you are a woman showing a little skin and baggage, you will be the center of the runway for an entire day. And the more that is consumed, the more race hott you become to the thousands of lonely men.

As for the way you carry yourself, you must always be aware of your surroundings and personal image. Beers that are not accepted are:

·      Wine coolers

·      40’s

·      Anything only sold in 6 or 12 packs

·      Mike’s Hard Lemonade or any of that fruity shit

·      An beer that takes over 3 syllables to pronounce

·      Heineken

If you can adhere to the 3 B’s of beer (Bud heavy, Bud light, and Bud select), you should find yourself in a competitive hunt for the backyard surprise. Drinking any of these beers, talking about NHL, Big East basketball, or wearing hair gel will be a dead give away and an ass kicking.

 Finally, your campsite must be the most important aspect in your mullet hunting expedition. In the fall of 2006 we made the purchase that would change our neck-hair expeditions forever. Sitting in the corner of an old barbershop was a 1978 Merita Bread truck that had been completely gutted. After it was purchased we soon added a bunk, stove, makeshift kitchen, window unit AC unit, and some solar panels to make the nature conservatives. A passenger seat from our friend’s bass fishing boat would soon be added, along with seatbelts. And while the doors of this race machine didn’t close, it created the perfect habitat for mullet hunting at NASCAR races.

And finally, all the aspects of mullet hunting had combined in mid May of 2009 at the Charlotte NASCAR All Star Shootout. We were dressed appropriately, acted utterly redneck, and drove a bread truck that the EPA would willingly consider a toxic hazard. And it was beautiful. And below are the 10 best mullets we were able to capture from this day in paradise.

5 – The Curl-et with Matching Jorts: While some people may argue that jean shorts are still in style, I would completely counter that idea. 5 points. Back mullet (1), Race Hott (1), Shirtless (2), and horrible tattoo (1).

4. The Dale-Jr-let: Although Dale Jr. changed his number to 88 last year, this man didn’t care. He still rocked the mullet with the old number, and it was a thing of beauty. 1 point for mullet from behind.

3. The Mid-Back Mullet – This beauty shows just how much a potential a mullet can reach if you let it grow. But no matter how much it grows, it can never cover up the horrible skull tattoo. 2 points, mullet from back and horrible tattoo.

2. The Blondullet – While any color hair mullet is welcome, it was rather rare that we ran across a mullet a the race in any color other than black or brown. In this case, we believe it was dyed for race hott attention. 2 points, mullet from the side.

1.  The Pit Roadullet – This mullet was found during our tour of pit road . . . and we guarantee the camera this man is holding is worth less than the hair on the back of his neck.

Honorably Mentioned Mullets:

I know those guys are professionals and I have heard the disclaimer on the Discovery Channel 30,233 times in my life, but everything on that channel has been reduced to utter bullshit. If’ I’m going to wade through 8 hour days in a cubicle, then go home to find my favorite channel debunking myths or puking lumberjacks driving ice trucks, I at least want to know if it’s real from the start. 

That’s why this Friday, me and my camera crew (it’s actually a group of 3 college buddies) have agreed to descend into the North Carolina mountains for a 4 day “mancation”. We will abide all wilderness laws, but the main point of this mancation (other than relaxing) is to see if these countless hours of watching Man vs Wild or Survivorman will actually pay off. If it does, then I will contest to all techies in the world that the Discovery Channel hasn’t gone to complete shit. Between our group we have seen every episode of both TV programs, and we’re ready to put it to the test. 

Please don’t send me emails saying “this is a bad idea” or “Les Stroud can only drink his piss because he was a British Op” . . . No, I’ll drink my piss in the middle of the North Carolina mountains if I want to. But first I will make sure I’m nice and dehydrated. And I will drain it through a bandana. Like Grylls did. And if it tastes good, I’ll call him a pansy. On camera. Fuck yeah I’m getting a rager just thinking about this. We are absolutely committed to this event.

What we need from y0u, good people, is a situation and the items that we will be allowed to bring. It could be a tour bus crash in the middle of the mountains, or even a misplaced abduction from a UFO. I’ll even shave my head into a mullet if it helps with the plot. It’s up to you what we will bring on our mancation, the most creative situation will be revealed on Thursday.

“He went down and I thought maybe he might be unconscious,” Duncan said. “So I tried to talk to him. I said, ‘Are you all right?’ and he said, ‘I think so. I’m just going to lay here.’ He said he had hit the wall hard and he [thought] he was all right, but he [was] not going to move. He said his back hurt a little bit, but he could feel everything and he didn’t want to move. I told him to hold on and that they were coming out.”

One might ask themselves if Ankiel had kept the mustache, could the injury have been prevented? My response is absolutely. The presence of an upper lip man-garden establishes itself not only in breathtaking looks, but in mass as well. The mass of the lip fur establishes itself within the equilibrium of the beholder within a week of its birth. Once Ankiel had rid himself of the follicle lip drapes, he had thrown off his equilibrium and essentially the cat-like balance needed to complete agile plays in centerfield. 

While we are absolutely glad that Ankiel is uninjured and he will return to the diamond in the coming weeks, we hope this is a lesson to all who grow a mustache for fun and games. Suddenly growing and ridding yourself of a mustache will cause severe short term health effects, most notably in your bodily equilibrium. Don’t do it unless you are committed to refraining from athletic competition for at least 6 months.

*Note: A follow up on this can be found at the American Mustache Institute’s site. Perlut and the guys are currently experiencing a nationwide debate over a Utah mayor’s mustache and its questionable fate.