The AMI is one of greatness and glory, but I have never gotten a better laugh than the eulogy of Ankiel’s mustache. For complete coverage and immersian into mustache glory, visit the site. Here’s a little excerpt:
It lived a life most of us would envy. But, in the end, the luxurious mustache worn by St. Louis Cardinals outfield Rick Ankiel never really had a chance and ended up in a bathroom basin, dead after less than a week of life.
As reported by Deadspin founder Will Leitch from Turner Field on April 27, Ankiel shaved his mustache which had helped him increase his batting average some 80 points.
In memory of it’s passing, the American Mustache Institute coordinated a candlelight vigil Tuesday night along the Mississippi River underneath the world’s largest mustache — St. Louis’ Gateway Arch.
During the ceremony, AMI’s chief executive officer, Dr. Abraham J. Froman, was clearly shaken.
“We salute Mr. Ankiel for having the gumption and good looks required to grow a high quality lip canvas when many said he couldn’t,” said Dr. Froman. “Sadly, his actions have disappointed us all, most notably, his upper lip. Now, his mouth brow is gone and there’s a void above his lip and in the hearts of the Mustached American community everywhere.”
Ankiel, the former pitcher turned outfielder, grew his mustache in controversy. Teammate Albert Pujols had petitioned and was denied by Major League Baseball the opportunity to shave his goatee into a true flavor saving mustache for fear that adding a performance enhancing mustache would give him too much of an advantage and possibly endanger opposing National League pitchers..
The exploits of Ankiel’s labia sebucula (Latin for “lip sweater”) were cheered by mustache wearers across the U.S. and beyond who saw in Little Ricky the kind of role model that emerges once in a generation. His chevron-style mustache was reminiscent of a young Tommy Selleck, and it was beginning to set him apart from the rest of the league which has largely deserted the mustache since the early 1980s.
As the defender of mustache rights, The American Mustache Institute saluted Ankiel, pointing to the need for diversity on the diamond and beyond. But, it wasn’t enough and Punky Rickster gave into the pressure and shaved.
“Sadly, despite AMI’s efforts, a mustache was shaved yesterday,” added Dr. Froman. “And as written in the Dead Sea Scrolls, every time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth, which is a shame. Our prayers are, of course, with the family.”
The American Mustache Institute has established a fund in memory of Ricky Riboflavin’s mustache that will be used to educate young people about the merits of facial hair. Contributions are being accepted through the AMI website.
“Never forget, a mustache is a terrible thing to shave,” a resigned Froman closed.
Carry on.
The AMI picked up on our mullet hunting results last year . . . and I sent them a follow up email this morning reminding about the hunt coming up during the 2009 All Star race. Like always, they’ve been ultra supportive and hilarious in their response. We’ll see what we can brew up now that the AMI is getting national attention on ESPN, SI, etc.
Last week, I provided the world with “NASCAR 101: How to Mullet Hunt and Survive” . . . . a 5 year documentary of my trials and tribulations as an enthusiast of the backyard follicle wonder. However, hundreds of people sent me links and youtube videos on hairstyles they considered more majestic than the mullets dawned by NASCAR fans . . . and I found myself heaven. Call me Nostradamus, because I am predicting the end of the American clean neck by year 2018. Dirty European Soccer Mullets: the future of American mullet tolerance.
The point of my argument is that in two different cultures, redneck southern America and European soccer fandom, we have the mullet in common. Only our two cultures can truly rock and respect the hairstyle simultaneously. In America, the mullet is often ridiculed and poked fun at as a sign of “trash” or lower class. In Europe, the elite shampoo their rear-neck riches in the overpowering awe of their followers. The dirty European soccer mullet is free to flap in the wind, to be the last thing an opponent sees as it speeds past, and to be petted by the beautiful women that these men date. The mullet in Europe has evolved into a symbol of wealth and fortune, while in America it has come to mean the polar opposite. The mullet is also making a strong appearance in South America, where the players deem is the “soccer rocker”.