Archive for the ‘Running’ Category

“Female” Zimbabwean Athlete has Flaccid Defense for Penis

Friday, May 29th, 2009

In the world of running, athletes performance enhancing substances have long been a problem. But in Zimbabwe’s international women’s running circuit, Samukeliso Sithole is accused of having the worst performance enhancing substance: a penis. It turns out Sithole masqueraded around the country, winning dozens of women’s events and pursing millions of dollars. Charges were filed against the Lancashire Steel Athletics Club runner  after he unwittingly stripped nude in front of a female colleague. When confronted by authorities, Sithole relied on his feet for escape only to be captured moments later. 

After an official examination by a Zimbabwean doctor, it was officially revealed that Sithole was indeed a male. However, he had a completely logical explanation for the growth over this mangina:

Prosecutor Mr Nkonde said the court had found it difficult in deciding whether to remand Sithole in custody in male or female cells as he was adamant that he was a woman yet the doctor’s report had revealed he was a man.

In his defence, Sithole told the court that he was born with both female and male organs. The athlete added that his parents then consulted a Chipinge traditional healer who gave them some herbs following which he assumed female status.

However, Sithole further alleges that they only paid half the money charged for the services rendered by the healer. As a punishment by the traditional healer for them to pay up the outstanding bill, the male organ only developed recently, he said.

He told the court that he was scheduled to settle the bill with the traditional on his trial day and this would have resulted in him reverting to the female gender.

The top Zimbabwean athlete told the court that he had a boyfriend.

Sithole also made history last year by winning five gold medals and a bronzer in shot-put, high jump, 400 hurdles, and in the long jump as a woman. I know there are some feminists out there that will argue against this logic, but competing as a male in the world of track and field is truly an overwhelming advantage on the competitive level. It makes you wonder what penises lay hidden in the United States running circuit. 

Source: Zimbabwe News


Charlotte Runner Sleeps in Porta-Potty, Runs Fast as Shit Next Day

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

picture-2This tidbit from the magazine Runner’s World. In what he kept a secret until recent, Charlotte freshman Justin Weber revealed that he slept inches about feces prior to winning the Folly Beach 10-Miler at a time of  1:02. He sent a letter to the Charlotte Observer earlier this month revealing:

Justin Weber, 18, a college freshman from Charlotte, North Carolina, couldn’t afford a hotel stay before the Folly Beach 10-Miler near Charleston, South Carolina, in November. A rainstorm kept him from camping outside. So Weber spent the night in a porta-potty. The cramped quarters didn’t hurt his race time: He won in 1:02.

“I sat on the seat lid and leaned back against the wall. I actually got a good night’s sleep. The stall was clean, and I was right by the beach, so it was soothing listening to the waves.”

While the Charlotte Observer’s entertainment editor decided to rip Justin a new asshole for choosing such rank living quarters before the race, I would just like to applaud Justin in his decision. 

First of all, Justin probably caught a ride down to Charleston with a friend on the way for a Southern style hook up with one of the many girls that roam the sidewalks of that historic city. Needless to say, a car was out of the question in that matter. 

And while college does indeed require money, it is often rare in the pockets of college students. Especially the students that have to pay an entry fee for a race the next day. If editor Théoden Janes never had to spend a week or six eating only ramen noodles during undergrad in order to save money for beer, then more power to him. I know we had many gloomy dinners on Pritchard Avenue in Chapel Hill.

In conclusion, clean porta-pottys do exist in this day and age. Indeed I’ve seen stalls that I was hesitant to step in at such events as Preakness or the Coca-Cola 600 . . . but I’ve also seen ones that I would eat my dinner inside. I hope he was capable of finding one of the latter, but if not, we completely understand where this young man is coming from in his shitty endeavors.