After his debut in the movie industry, Rampage had some interesting words to say about acting and Vancouver.

“Acting is kind of gay,”

“It makes you soft. You got all these people combing your hair and putting a coat over your shoulders when you’re cold. I don’t want a coat over my shoulders! I’m a tough-ass (expletive)!”

“Vancouver strikes me as a San Francisco-kind of place. And I don’t want (expletive) getting ideas about me. I feel in my heart I’m the toughest (expletive) on the planet. And I don’t want nothing changing my train of thought. If you don’t believe that when we step inside the octagon, it shows.”

All this was followed by him getting stomped in the Octagon by Rashad Evans… Rampage is one bad (expletive)

8. Fauxjohnmadden

The best things John Madden has brought to professional football is his football game and the approval of “The Annexation of Puerto Rico” in the movie Little Giants. Other than that this husky, boisterous sports personality is more annoying than insightful. However, his twitter account is absolutely ingenious.

7. Notjakedelhomme

Jake Delhomme has been the poster-boy for the Carolina Panthers organization for nearly a decade now. While he has led the Panthers to several playoff appearances and even a Super Bowl, he is still a f*ck up in every sense. While other QB’s boast large endorsements from national brands and chains, this Rajun’ Cajun’ is the spokesman for Bojangles. Even if we could understand a word he was saying, chances are it wouldn’t be as clever as this Twitter account.

6. Fakebrett

I tell ye what ye dere hushpuppy Brett Furrr likes to wear dem Wrangla’ jeans while playin’ for da Vikins’ yeeeeee. Brett Farve is easily the most hated, attention seeking quarterback in the National Football League. If we could understand half the crap that came out of his mouth, he might make for a more interesting quarterback. However, we’ll just have to settle for the antic of Fakebrett.

5. Fakefatjamarcus

Jamarcus Russell is a fat ass, a terrible quarterback, yet a great personality. Sure he may be riding the bench in Oakland, but that simply gives him more time to tweet on the sidelines. Also note he was caught 2 weeks ago with a bag of Skittles in his game pants.

4. Notkurtwarner

As Kurt Warner gets older, he only becomes closer to God. As he becomes closer to God, he will only become a better father, quarterback, and religious nutcase. Sure, his wife Brenda may be most notoriously known for her mother-like appearance while he was with the Rams, but they’re a good family. This also makes for some GREAT tweeting.

3. FauxTigerWoods

In the past month, Tiger has royally screwed up his personal and professional life in a major way. He might have given up a life with a smoking hot Swedish supermodel and his golden boy image, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make fun of him for doing it. While backing out of the driveway might be the only way I can ever outdrive Tiger, this account give me comfort and solace in the fact that even the best go down.

2. FakeTomBrady

Tom Brady might be one of the NFL’s pretty boys, but he has his faults. From the knocking up a chick prior to putting the ring on Giselle to somehow becoming an injury factory every season, it’s easy to hate on Brady. Other than that, he’s also a great fantasy quarterback.

1. Notjaycutler

Cutlerfucker is a drunk. He’s also a party boy, horrible quarterback, fat ass, cocky, guido-esque and can somehow still pull the ladies. I don’t have to say much for this account, it’s simply the best of the best.

Perhaps it is a work, dorm, or family league . . . either way the fact is you didn’t pay $100 to enter and the only thing on the line is pride. But if all else fails and you have a terrible draft, at least you can fall back on one thing: a clever name.

Here is a list of the best fantasy football team names for the 2009-2010 season:

Steve McNair Names

Steve McNair’s Speedholes

Affair McNair

McNair is My Sleeper Pick

Aired Out McNair

Steve McNair Shotgun Draw

Ghosts of Girlfriend’s Past II – Airholes

Mike Vick Names

Mike Vick’s Pitbull Mittens

Mike Vick and the Parole Violatazzz

Vick’s Wildcat Dogfight

Kibbles ‘n’ Vicks

Vick’s 6-ft Underdogs

Ron Mexico & the Itches

Hide Your Beagle, Vick’s an Eagle

Visanthe Shiancoe Names

1st & Visanthe Shiancoe

Visanthe Shankhoes

Visanthe’s Taint Tears

Chad Ochocinco Names

Chad Lost his Johnson

Chad’s MuchoFuckos

Chad Ochocinco Thinks My Team Name’s More Tragic than 9/11

Ochocinco Said he’d Tweet me a Name

Ben Roethlisberger Names

Big Ben’s Ouchy Penis Spot

Andrea McNulty’s TV Repair

Big Ben’s TV Repairman

Donte Stallworth Names

Donte Stallworth’s High Beams

Stallworth Steamrollers

Donte’s Bloody Bentleys

Donte’s Law: Pedestrians are Easier to Catch than Footballs

Donte’s 30 Days & 30 Nights

Jay Cutler Names

Cutlerfucker’s Insulin Dealer

Blood Sugar Sex Cannon

The Diabetic Shockers

4th & Drunk
Brett Farve Names

Farve Dollar Footlong

Farve, Retiring Since 2006

It’s Farve from Over

Farvefromchoosing

FUCKBRETTFARVE!

The BrittFarr Mississippi Drama Queens

Tom Brady Names

Gisele to Pound Town

Brady Left Knee Bounty

Brady’s Unused Condoms

Tom Brady at the Battle of Wounded Knee

Detroit Lions Name

Swim, Swim, Swim

Buoy Lions

Other Names

Ronnie Brown Noise

Wildcat Malt Offense

Forgetting Brandon Marshall

Erin Andrew’s Peephole

Erin Andrew’s Landing Strip

Shockey was Never Conscious Anyways

First Down Syndrome

99 Problems and A-ddai Ain’t One

New Orly Taints

Romo-Sexual

Kardashian Trimmed Some Bush

Backfield Penetration

Eli – The Other White Manning

Black Horse & the Crab Tree

SUNDAY MORNING WOOD!

Currently if a player hires a prostitute and strangles her, he  gets a slap on the wrist compared to the average player. But if Chad Ocho Cinco scores a touchdown and follows it with a “hooker strangler” end-zone dance . .  you had better believe that is humiliation on the highest of levels. No amount of fines could rival the embarrassment that would come from that video. So we’ve put together a list of potential NFL celebrations that have yet to be done. 

The Stallworth - The Stallworth is where upon scoring a touchdown, the offensive player that scores gets into a Tonka Truck, similar to what little children play with, and you push yourself forward while drinking a beer and strike an opposing player.

Difficulty (out of 5) – 4 It would be very hard to get into a kids play car originally, only the smaller players could pull it off, and then to chase down an NFL player in it would be nearly impossible. But cleats give you a strong push so it can be done if the right player attempts it.

Possible players : Steve Smith, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Darren Sproles

Creativity- 3 It is a 3 because people do this all the time. Tons of NFL players have DUIs so they know how and probably have driven while drinking. But it still gets a three because very few people come up with the idea to chase someone down and try to hit them with a kids play car.

Bas ass rating- 4 There is nothing cool about drunk driving and manslaughter, but to be one of the smallest guys on the field and to attempt to chase someone down in a kids toy is pretty ballsy. And if one manages to pull it off, then they will go down as legends similar to OJ Simpson and Rae Carruth.

Likelihood of getting fined/suspended- 3 For imitating someone who killed somebody will get you into Goodell’s doghouse, but as long as you do not seriously hurt the guy you hit and stop as soon as you do it, you will be fine. Consider Stallworth actually killed someone and he got only 24 days in jail.

The Chris Brown - The Chris Brown requires a lot of pre-game planning and confidence. Firstly you must purchase a hooker prior to the game, and the confidence to know you are going to score a touchdown that game. Upon scoring a touchdown, the player must run over to the hooker on the sidelines and deck her in the face, repeatedly.

Difficulty- 1 This move is definitely the easiest because requires zero skills and zero morality. You simply have to score a touchdown and then beat the hell out of a woman. Simple, most football players do that anyways so now they just have to do it in a game.

Possible players- Reuben Droughns, Sanonio Holmes, OJ Simpson, Ricky Williams

Creativity- 2 Again not very creative because it is something that goes on a lot. But to bring a hooker to the field and punch her repeatedly takes some guts and courage, and a little stupidity. The Chris Brown is worth a two but not any more

Bad-ass rating- 3 Beating up a woman is not bad-ass at all, but doing in front of 60,000 people makes you more ridiculous but also more ballsy and thus more bad-ass
Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 5 Not only did you perform one illegal thing, buying a hooker, you also beat her ass in front of thousands of fans. You will no doubt receive a significant fine and suspension, but you may go to jail too.

The Greg Paulus – The Greg Paulus is when a teammate scores a touchdown and attempts to dunk the football over the goalpost. And when he does you run under him and flop to the ground as his nuts go squarely into your face.

Difficulty- 3 Although this move seems rather simple, one must plan it well so that your teammate takes off without him noticing you waiting in his path for his nuts. You also must throw away all pride and confidence because you are a bitch

Possible Players: Joe Jurevicius, Matt Cassel, any other white guy.

Creativity- 4 This move is adapted from another sport and it is done by a player that no one likes so it takes some mind power to come up with this trick. Also you need low self esteem and liking to homo-erotic things for this to work.

Bad-ass rating- 0 There is absolutely nothing bad ass about this move. You voluntarily run under your own teammates so that he can dunk on you as you fall to the ground with his nuts all in your grill

Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 1 Well the NFL may fine you for partaking in another players celebration, the NFL is not your problem, its your own team. You act will upset a lot of people and they will openly try to fight you so the NFL is not your problem there.

The Lebron - The Lebron requires a player, upon entering the end zone, to quickly grab a number 23 Cleveland Cavaliers jersey and put it on and then grab some white powder and throw it in the air above you.

Difficulty- 4 The difficult part of this maneuver is the entrance into the end-zone. In a quick movement you must cross the goal line, put on a Cavaliers jersey and grab white powder. After that the move is quite simple but that initial move gives it the high rating.

Possible players: Terrell Owens, Chad Ocho-Cinco, Steve Smith

Creativity- 4 This move requires a lot of preparation and a lot of thinking about how to get the jersey and white powder on you when you cross into the end zone This move also requires you to imitate one of the biggest stars in sports so you must be unique when you go for it.

Bad-ass rating- 4 Again you are imitating the best basketball player in the world, so you need to do it with confidence and swagger or else you will get embarrassed. Got to go big or go home so in the end it better be real bad ass

Likelihood of Fines/Suspension- 3 Introducing outside objects into a celebration is usually an immediate fine or suspension, so you are going to get something. But since it is an impersonation of another great athlete, im sure the league would go easy on you because they would not want to offend LBJ.

The Nerd – The Nerd is where upon scoring a touchdown, the player grabs a pre placed Segway and frolics about the field on the two wheeled vehicle.

Difficulty- 2 This move is rather easy to perform considering it warrants no real skill. But similar to The Chris Brown, it requires placing an outside object on the side of the field so that no one notices it, which is quite a feat.

Possible players- Adam Vinatieri, Matt Cassel, Matt Leinart

Creativity- 5 The NFL is not a league that is usually associated with nerds, so for a player to swallow their pride and perform this groundbreaking celebration, they must have a lot of creativity. Also allows for further innovations with a new celebration while riding on the Segway, imagine the possibilities.

Bad ass rating: 3 The bad ass rating can vary a great deal around how the driver uses the Segway. For instance, if the player were to say shotgun a beer then his rating would be a five, or if he just rode it around for a minute or two then that would be a one. The Segway could revolutionize the endzone dance so look out.
Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 5 Introducing an outside object to a celebration is an automatic fine so you definitely will be fined but how much will be determined by ones actions on the Segway

The Vick – The Vick is where upon scoring a touchdown, the player grabs a Rottweiler or a Pit Bull and hops on its back and proceeds to ride the dog throughout the stadium. All the while, his teammates hold sombreros and various drugs.

Difficulty: 5 Have you ever tried to ride a dog? It is nearly impossible especially when you are a 200 pound NFL player. The harder part is for the teammates to find sombreros and hide drugs on themselves throughout a game hoping for the touchdown.

Possible players: Clinton Portis, Ray Lewis, Chad Ocho-Cinco

Creativity: 3 This scenario has been played out a lot in the media but having the guts and confidence to pull this off deserves a good creativity rating. The integration of all Vick’s past sins makes it creative and difficult to pull off.

Bad ass rating- 4 Again there is nothing bad ass about the crimes that Vick was convicted of, but in this celebration no dogs were hurt and if performed correctly, there will be a NFL player riding a dog around the field, thats bad ass.

Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 5 This will get all involved fined heavily and suspended indefinitely. Harking back to the dark days of Vick’s career is a no-no for NFL players so any mention would for sure warrant a harsh punishment. Also the teammates have drugs on the field so that won’t work out well for them.

The Obama – The Obama is where upon scoring a touchdown, the player hops into a hospital bed and props his legs up like he is about to give birth. His teammates gather around and remove the football from the players arm as if it is a baby. Upon the “birth” of the football, the teammates provide the mother and the government with a signed birth certificate verifying the citizenship of the football. This celebration can only be performed at the Pro Bowl in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Difficulty: 5 This celebration requires a lot of planning and skill to pull it off in the one game a year where it is acceptable. You first have to be elected to the Pro Bowl, then you have to score a touchdown in the game, and then perform the intricate celebration. By far the most difficult celebration to ever be performed. This move requires confidence, planning, and an immense amount of skill because it is replicating the birth of our President and must be done to perfection or you are disgracing his name.

Possible Players: Ryan Leaf, Jeremy Shockey, Kellen Winslow

Bad ass rating- 5 Although giving birth is rather un-bad ass, to perform it at the Pro Bowl with a real life hospital bed is quite impressive. One need not explain the importance of the birth of Obama as he is our President. Impersonating him requires a lot of confidence and this celebration would spit in the face of the “birther” crowd that do not acknowledge Obama’s citizenship.

Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 1 Because this celebration can only be performed at the Pro Bowl, the odds of suspension or fines are low because the game is for pure entertainment value and this would surely entertain. This would be a great way to get the President’s attention on football and it would get a lot of news coverage.

The Roethlisberger – The Roethlisberger is where upon scoring a touchdown, the player proceeds to grab a pre-placed motorcycle and drive it around the field while eating a doughnut. To finish the celebration, the player must wreck on the motorcycle. For bonus points upon crashing the player can combo into the Chris Brown and rape a pre-placed hooker.

Difficulty: 4 (5 with the Chris Brown Combo) This celebration is not all that difficult but it does require some manliness to willingly crash a motorcycle in the middle of a game. Pre-placing the motorcycle out of view from the fans and your coach is also quite difficult but can be done.

Bad ass rating: 4 This would get a 5 if it were not for the crash at the end. It is pretty bad ass to grab a Harley off the sidelines and cruise around the field embarrassing the other team.

Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 5 Introducing a outside object with definitely get you a fine and maybe a small suspension, but if you combo The Roethlisberger with the Chris Brown, you are looking at a solid 30 days in prison so this is definitely worthy of its five rating.

Possible Players: Terrell Owens, Chad Ocho-Cinco, Donovan McNabb

There once was a fat ass named Big Ben.

Ben was rich and famous. He was also a quarterback.

There once was a girl named Andrea McNulty. She worked for a hotel.

One day, Big Ben stayed at Andrea’s hotel. His TV broke while he was waxing off to old reruns of Saved by the Bell.

Frustrated, Big Ben called Andrea at the front desk.

“FIX MY TV” he said . . . so Andrea tried calling the electrician, and then her manager. No one answered.

“FIX MY TV” Big Ben once again exclaimed. With no other choice, Andrea went upstairs to fix Big Ben’s TV.

But the TV WORKED!

 But Saved by the Bell had ended. Big Ben wanted sexy time. His 6′5” fat ass blocked the doorway. Andrea said:

But Big Ben’s a NFL quarterback. Everyone wants a piece of his manly-motorcycle-surviving lard-ass. He began the countdown to blastoff. Andrea pleaded:

Since Big Ben doesn’t like being on bottom . . . and women can’t get pregnant on top he begins to calculate a solution to the situation. The game-plan was a 6-in-and-out on three:

Big Ben, a man of his word, continued to have his way with Andrea. Like the true 6′5” version of Ron Jeremy he is:

At that moment, he rolled over and Ben turned on Sports Center. Andrea was crying in the bathroom. The highlights were of Kobe Bryant. In a panic and after realizing what he had done he exclaims:

Andrea, embarrassed, worried, and now depressed fled the room. The next day, she visited the security guard to tell him about the situation. He told her that a lot of girls would love to have been in her situation, even the hotel manager.

Without any hope, Andrea went to the police. She wants Big Ben to pay up:

The end.

Over 2 weeks ago they were the first to report the Michael Jackson death . . . so I understandably averted my attention from a fantasy mock draft to read their claims. Sure enough, they were correct in their reporting. Sites like this thrive off the misery of other, such as Jessica Simpson being grossly overweight or Miley Cyrus falling in love with a hillbilly cousin. There’s just not much substance in their reporting. I hate visiting sites like this but yesterday they reportedly purchased the Lebron James dunk video for over $50,000 in American ca-ching.  

They hyped it up like the was the Zapruder film of the 21st century. Lebron James, American basketball hero . . . the “next” Michael Jordan . . . gets dunked on by Xavier’s Jordan Crawford . . . James throws hissy fit . . . the crew collects the tapes.

The TMZ film shows none of this, so don’t get your man-panties in a wad if your company firewall blocks celebrity skeez sites. The quality of the film is minimal at best . . . although it’s obvious that Lebron simply was lazy covering the lane while playing help D during a pickup game. It happens in your local gym every day. Plus he’s 6′4” tall, which is more than enough vertical leeway for any athlete to get above the rim.