Archive for the ‘Unsportsmanlike Conduct’ Category

How the Erin Andrews Peephole Video “STD” is Protecting our Sideline Princess

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009

To the sick, pathetic little fuck that decided to defile America’s sideline princess in intimate moments in the privacy of her own hotel room: I hope you burn in a hell where there are no sports and the only women that will give you the time of day will have a penis. Or maybe two.

You heartless bastard. 

Unlike 99.8% of male bloggers in this country of fast food, questionable morals, and worthless celebrities I’ve actually had the pleasure of meeting Erin Andrews . . . in person. While trying to file 6,000 UNC seniors into the Dean E. Smith center during the 2008 UNC vs. Duke basketball game, several people from the Carolina Athletic Association were questioned about our responsibilities and duties regarding the game. She was nice, sincere, and completely devoted to her job despite the thousands of googley eyes fixated on her  undoubtably perfect ass . . . which she would probably contribute to her dream of becoming the Erin Andrews we know and love anyways. 

Compare this to the attitude of Jenn Sterger (who maybe a handful of men recognized as the Florida State cowgirl) and Dick Vitale (who somehow found a way to ejaculate in the middle of 28 scantily dressed men) and you can understand why we instantly fell in love with America’s sideline princess.  It’s a win for both sides that ESPN gives us such a creation during sporting events. But some fuckhole with a high-tech has ruined that for all of us.

I hope you get crabs and your arms are lopped off in a freak roller coaster accident, you worthless piece of shit. 

The difference between Erin Andrews and the 50,000 Lindsay Lohan crotch-shots that surface on a weekly basis is the integrity and morality in the life they live. Andrews is on the road on a daily basis. Traveling from sporting event to ESPN awards shows, it’s hard to believe that Erin has the time to live the life of a bona-fide celebrity. On top of all this travel, she also has to keep up with the daily sporting news and events that may have the slightest impact on her fantasy football teams. Lohan, however, lives a life of luxury despite her last source of income being a film about a fucking Volkswagon Beetle. 

Your freckles ruined your crotch-shots, Ginger.

If anyone deserves to have their nude photos plastered across the internet in an escalating fashion it’s those celebrities that wear the 3 inch skirt without panties. The Hollywood trash that thrives off daddy’s money and pays MTV to create a reality show to search for their new best friends. The same people that believe a degree is worth shittles as long as they have a pretty smile and men will pay to see their sex video. Erin Andrews, however, has a degree from the University of Florida. The same institution where a quarterback with no medial background can circumcise young boys, and a downs syndrome patient can become an NBA lottery pick.

How the fuck did this anomaly come from Miss Sweden?

The point is that Erin Andrews is educated, appreciated, and before the Bobby Frasor sex scandal, everyone had viewed her crotch as a figment of their imagination. Was it clean? Landing strip? Or something completely new and awesome we had never seen before on her downstairs canvas? While millions of men fantasized about a nude video, we all knew that she was so devoted to her job and reputation in the sports world that that day would never come.

Now her Google reputation is ruined.  

When more people are searching for a video that was illegally taken of you in a hotel room than your work as a sportscaster, it’s going to be a while before your bare ass is out of the limelight. Search results for the “Erin Andrews Peephole Video” and “Erin Andrews Peephole Pictures” have exploded throughout the interwebs. With well over 250,000 results for each term, it’s not very difficult for any devout computer enthusiast to find the illicit video. But unaware to many people, there’s a hidden scam out there that’s protecting the integrity of our beloved Sideline Princess.

There’s no condom for your Google query. 

Searching for the “Erin Andrews Peephole” incident has become as risky as having unprotected, homeless, obese recovering heroin addict in Grand Central. You never know what you might catch, she’ll probably leave you shamed, and there’s always the chance a sex tape might go viral. These Erin Andrews video “STD’s” are the only thing protecting the integrity of Andrews at this moment. ESPN has understandably refused to report on the incident (other than verifying it was Erin) and sites such as TMZ  have taken a neutral stance, but have surprisingly refused to put the video up. While refusing to post the video is a great and noble cause to help prevent the spread of the video, it’s the spammers attaching trojan horses to potential videos that are doing the real job. As soon as Americans realize that nearly all of that downloading these videos is a game of Andrews-Roulette, perhaps the storm will pass for Sideline Princess. For once in the internet’s history, hat’s off to the spammers.

And here’s to every sports fan out there that still fantasized about what Sideline Princess looks like nude.  

 

Expectations for RAWleigh

Friday, July 17th, 2009

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On Monday, July 20th, I will be crossing off one line of my bucket list-attend a WWE/WWF event. From 5th to 7th grade, I was a WWF fanatic, I watched wrestling five nights a week ranging from WWF Raw and Smackdownm to WCW Nitro on Wednesday nights. But as I matured wrestling became a thing of the past, a desperate attempt at enjoyment in the misery of puberty. But when college came around I found a group of people that understood what it is to watch Monday Night Raw, and the rest as we say is history.

Monday Night Raw in Raleigh, NC has been renamed RAWleigh and will most definitely change my life. Let me hit you with my expectations.

  • The Guest Host ZZ Top will perform a song and undoubtedly get attacked in the ring and cause an intense change of events for the pay-per-view next Sunday.
  • Mullets, Mullets, and more Mullets
  • Edward 40 Hands for the whole crew
  • Playing the epic RAW drinking game while in the stadium

I will post the RAW drinking game rules up on Monday, there are a lot of them and they are constantly changing so its a tough game to master.

Duke Quarterback Lewis Ready for S.O.S

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

On Wednesday, the Raleigh NewsandObserver had a chance to sit down with North Carolina’s least successful quarterback to talk a little futboooool. While I give him props for being a Duke football player whose name I actually remember (and therefore give-a-shit about), it still seams this question/answer shitfest was as premeditated as a Coach K press conference after a UNC loss. “They shot well. They ran the court. They are bigger than us. Tyler Hansbrough. The shots didn’t fall. Remember when I coached Kobe Bryant?” 

I have taken the time to edit the real conversation for those of us that didn’t have a chance to read it.

Q: What is your favorite passing route?

A: I wouldn’t say it’s my favorite pass route, but you know what’s nice? When you can hit a guy in stride on a bomb, 50 yards, he doesn’t stop, and he scores with it. That’s nice. … The best is when you see a guy beat a guy, and the guy is trying to catch up, and you hit him in stride. There’s nothing prettier than that. You know what else is pretty? Greg Paulus. That mother fucker came in here trying to take my job after never touching the field for FOUR, count them . . . FOUR fucking years. He even had K lobbying for his sorry ass. If I spent as much time on the floor as Greg Paulus . . . you’d have to wipe me up with a shamwow. Bad analogy. That shamwow guy beat a stripper right? Shit. That doesn’t go over well in Durham. 

Q: What would it mean to you to help lead this team to a bowl game?

A: It would mean everything. But it just wouldn’t be enough to just get there. If I get there, I want to win it. It would mean so much because when I was recruited I was told we weren’t very good and I was told I was part of a change. … It’s only eight seniors that will be able to play this season. For us eight to be remembered as the eight that led this football team to a bowl game … would be tremendous. It’s not how you came in, but how you leave a place. … It would be big. But shit, half the bowl’s that we would be invited to would leave us in debt anyways. Know how much the Papajohn.com bowl payed out? Yeah, $350 K. The Wolfpack weren’t the only team leaving in the red by just GOING to that bowl. Their asses were red too. Because they got spanked. So was their bank account, which is what I was alluding to anyways. 

Q: What would you say you learned about yourself since your enrollment at Duke?

A: I can do anything. I can do anything I put my mind to. … A lot of people don’t know that my freshman year, halfway through the semester, I was failing. Thought I was going to fail out of Duke. Picked it up, and I finished with a 2.5 [G.P.A] that semester. The next three semesters I went 3.4. … I look at it now that I’m about to get a degree in December from Duke University. That’s big.

Coming out of Opa-Locka I didn’t think about getting in Duke, didn’t really know much about the academic standards, what the degree is worth. Now I’m in that elite company with a [degree]. … I didn’t just come to college to play football. I was able to manage both. If I can do it, anybody could do it. Sheldon Williams did it, and look where he’s at in life. He married a hot-ass giant WNBA all-sat . . . has a kid . . . ALL while everyone thought he was retarded. We both majored in sociology. It’s the geography of Duke University. Michael Jordan was a geography major . . . and look how rich he became! To us athletes, our degrees mean all the shit in the world. You’re my sociological hero, Sheldon Williams. Shit yeah.


The NFL’s Fantasy Criminal Team

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009


            When it comes to the NFL, it seems their players can get away with a good bit more than the normal person. Whether if it’s the NFL’s PR department pulling multimillion-dollar strings, or the fact that these players have the disposable income to hire top-notch lawyers, it always seems like they are getting off the hook. From man slaughter with guns to running pedestrians over with cars, these players are not setting a great example for the rest of society.

QB – Micahel Vick:

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Michael Vick was blessed with the ability to throw a football 70 yards and run as fast as any player in the league, but one thing he was not blessed with was the ability to make one good life decision. Vick has been a fixture in the news cycle for his various run ins with the law over the course of his career. Starting in 2004, Vick was involved in a drug arrest where two men were distributing marijuana in a car owned by Vick. This was only the beginning. Over the next few years, he had various run ins with women and airport security that were extremely embarrassing to the NFL and the Atlanta Falcons. 
 
Vick faced a rather bizarre lawsuit from a former friend, Sonya Elliot. Elliot claimed that Vick had knowingly and willingly infected her with Genital Herpes in April of 2003. She filed suit in March of 2005 seeking damages from the infection. Elliot claimed that Vick had never mentioned it before their encounter and when she confronted Vick he stated, “I’ve got something to tell you. I’ve got it.” Elliot also claimed that Vick sought test and treatment under the name “Ron Mexico.” The case was settled out of court but opposing fans had a lot of fun with the nickname.

The final straw was Vick pleading guilty to Conspiracy to Travel in Interstate Commerce in Aid of Unlawful Activities and to Sponsor a Dog in an Animal Fighting Venture. Federal Judge Hudson said he was “convinced that it was not a momentary lack of judgment” on Vick’s part, and that Vick was a “full partner” in the dog fighting ring, and he was sentenced to serve 23 months in federal prison. Vick ended up spending 19 months in Federal prison and recently was released to serve the rest of the sentence on house arrest. He is still awaiting trial for state charges in Virginia. 

WR – Donte Stallworth

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Early in the morning on March 14th, 2009, Cleveland Brown’s Wide Receiver Donte Stallworth was driving back from a swanky Miami nightclub when suddenly his black 2005 Bentley struck a man as he crossed the road to catch a bus. Stallworth had been drinking when he struck the man but he immediately pulled over and alerted the authorities about the accident. After the accident he submitted himself to a sobreity test where he blew 0.126 Blood Alcohol Content, well above the legal limit to drive. 
 


On June 4th, 2009, Stallworth was charged with DUI Manslaughter, which could have netted him 15 years in prison. Throughout the case, Stallworth had complied with the authorities wanted and pled guilty and accepted full responsibility for his actions and the family of the victim wanted the case to end to end the emotional trauma, so the state attorney gave him a lenient sentence of 30 days in jail, two years house arrest, and then eight years probation with a separate financial settlement with the family of the victim. 
 
Stallworth’s future with the NFL and the Cleveland Browns is unknown but surely he will be punished heavily, Defensive End Leonard Little was suspended eight game in 1998, when the NFL was significantly more lenient on players. 

WR – Rae Carruth:

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On November 16, 1999, Ray Carruth of the Carolina Panthers became the main suspect of the murder of Cherica Adams. At the time, she was pregnant with their daughter Chancellor. On this day, Cherica was found shot four times in a drive-by shooting that left her mangled on the floor. Cherica was able to call 911 and describe Carruth stopping his vehicle in front of hers as it shot into the car. She then described Carruth fleeing from the scene.

Adams was six months pregnant with Carruth’s child, which was born prematurely in the hospital. Cherica would later die on December 14. Carruth later posted the $3 million bail, but failed to turn himself in after the death of Cherica. He was later found in the trunk of a car in Tennessee with $3,900 cash, bottles holding his urine, extra clothes, candy bars, and a cell phone.  During the trial, Carruth was found guilty of conspiracy to commit murder, shooting into a vehicle, and using an instrument to destroy an unborn child. He is now serving an 19 years 11 months in Raleigh, North Carolina. 

WR – Michael Irvin

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            Michael Irvin is hooked on the powder. He has probably done enough of it in his life to powder every nose in a small country, which is probably unacceptable for a professional athlete. In the late 90’s, Irvin kept the Texas district attorneys busy as he frequented the courtrooms for drug related charges. A former Dallas police officer named Johnnie Hernandez also allegedely had been plotting to have Irvin killed. He was arrested for paying an undercover DEA agent $2960 to have Irvin murdered.

RB – Travis Henry

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            In 2002, this Buffalo Bills running back was named to the pro bowl following his terrific career with the University of Tennessee. In 2009, he as named the most Prolific Father of the Year on Father’s Day.   He has fathered at least 11 children from 10 different women. After dropping nearly $100,000 on a new car and $150,000 on jewelry, Travis admitted he is now broke as legal troubles and child support payments began to pile up.

            On September 30, 2008 Travis was arrested and jailed by the DEA after allegedly being involved in the transaction of several kilograms of cocaine in Colorado. The prosecutors have portrayed Henry as the main ‘money guy’ in the cocaine trafficking rings and he faced 10 years to life. On April 2, 2009 he reached a plea agreement.  Aside from a short term in prison, he will have to pay around $4 million in fines . . . roughly equivalent to his child support payments.

RB – OJ Simpson

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            No comment here.

Defense – The Minnesota Viking’s

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            Nothing beats partying. But nothing could ever beat partying on a boat with prostitutes that were flown in just for the special occasion. On October 6, 2005 on Lake Minnetonka 17 members of the Minnesota Vikings took part in an incident known as the “party boat”. The alleged partiers include Daunte Culpepper, ringleader Fred Smoot, Mewelde Moor, Bryant McKinnie, Pat Williams, Kevin Williams, Lance Johnstone, Jermaine Wiggins, Moe Williams, Willie Offord, and Ken Irvin. According to sources, two boats were rented and all but 2 of the players performed sex acts in front of an estimated 90 people.

            After the incident emerged in the media, the Vikings created a 77 page Code of Conduct that was read and distributed to all players. They also hired an ex FBI agent and NFL investigator as head of security, as well as the help of a private firm. Out of all the Party Boat fallout, Cullpepper, Smoot, McKinie, and Moe Williams were charge with indecent and disorderly conduct. They faced up to 90 days in prison, but all charges were dropped for Culpepper. Smooth and McKinnie pleaded guilty and were forced to pay a fine and perform 48 hours community service. They also had 30 day jail sentences.

Defense (Backup) – Ray Lewis:

pic-9On January 30th as the St. Louis Rams stopped the Tennessee Titans at the half yard line to win the Super Bowl XXXIV, Ray Lewis celebrated with his friends until the early hours in an Atlanta Nightclub. These celebrations eventually led to an argument between Lewis’ posse and other club patrons that escalated to a physical altercation. The altercation ended with two dead and Lewis’ limousine speeding away from the club with gunshots flying outside the club. 
 


Lewis’ limousine was found later behind the hotel Lewis was staying at. He was arrested on suspicion of first-degree murder and held without bail. His two accomplices, Reginald Oakley and Joseph Sweeting, had disappeared after the altercation. Oakley, Sweeting, and Lewis all had previous run ins with the law, Lewis had been accused of assault multiple times while attending the University of Miami. Lewis was eventually charged with two counts of malicious murder, two counts of felonious murder, and two counts of assault with a deadly weapon. 
 


In June of 2000, Lewis pled guilty to misdemeanor obstruction of justice and was sentenced to one-year probation, he had to pay one-third of the court cost, and was forbidden from using drugs or alcohol during his probation. The National Football League came down hard on the accused murder with a $250,000 fine, Lewis recently signed a deal worth $44.5 million dollars. The year following his arrest, Ray Lewis won a Super Bowl and a Defensive Player of the Year Award. 


K – Sebastian Janikowski

pic-10Sabastian Janikowski, the kicker . . . is a tougher guy than most people give him credit for. While most NFL players will taunt the work ethic and strength of the kicker, Janikowski can actually say he’s been in the slammer. His first brush with the law occurred in June of 2000, when he was charged for bribery of a police officer. Allegedly, Janikowski testified that he was simply attempting to pay a friend’s ticket on the spot, not bribe an officer. Just 8 days after these charges were dropped, Janikowski and 2 friends were arrested for felony possession of the drug GHB.  He then faced prison time and deportation if convicted of the crimes, but was again acquitted of all charges in April of 2001. After earning a reputation for partying at Florida State, it was well known that he was a party animal and faced troubles with his newfound fame and money. On October 2, 2002 Janikowski was charged with a DUI and sentenced to 3 years probation after pleading no contest to the charges.  One year later he would be arrested in a bar fight after a fight in a California restaurant. Surprisingly, there was insufficient evidence and the case was dropped.

Media – Tolly Carr:

pic-11On March 11th, 2007 Tolly Carr, the local news sports anchor, was enjoying a few drinks with some friends in downtown Winston-Salem, North Carolina. The bars closed and Tolly decided to drive home from the bar but he was too intoxicated to make it home. While driving he slammed his pick-up truck through a construction site and killed a 26 year old on his way back to his apartment. Carr refused a Breathalyzer test but a blood test later revealed that he had a blood alcohol content of .13, although toxicology reports estimated he consumed between 12-22 drinks that night. In August of 2007, Carr pleaded guilty to felony death by motor vehicle and was sentenced to three years in prison, and five more years on probation. 

“Female” Zimbabwean Athlete has Flaccid Defense for Penis

Friday, May 29th, 2009

In the world of running, athletes performance enhancing substances have long been a problem. But in Zimbabwe’s international women’s running circuit, Samukeliso Sithole is accused of having the worst performance enhancing substance: a penis. It turns out Sithole masqueraded around the country, winning dozens of women’s events and pursing millions of dollars. Charges were filed against the Lancashire Steel Athletics Club runner  after he unwittingly stripped nude in front of a female colleague. When confronted by authorities, Sithole relied on his feet for escape only to be captured moments later. 

After an official examination by a Zimbabwean doctor, it was officially revealed that Sithole was indeed a male. However, he had a completely logical explanation for the growth over this mangina:

Prosecutor Mr Nkonde said the court had found it difficult in deciding whether to remand Sithole in custody in male or female cells as he was adamant that he was a woman yet the doctor’s report had revealed he was a man.

In his defence, Sithole told the court that he was born with both female and male organs. The athlete added that his parents then consulted a Chipinge traditional healer who gave them some herbs following which he assumed female status.

However, Sithole further alleges that they only paid half the money charged for the services rendered by the healer. As a punishment by the traditional healer for them to pay up the outstanding bill, the male organ only developed recently, he said.

He told the court that he was scheduled to settle the bill with the traditional on his trial day and this would have resulted in him reverting to the female gender.

The top Zimbabwean athlete told the court that he had a boyfriend.

Sithole also made history last year by winning five gold medals and a bronzer in shot-put, high jump, 400 hurdles, and in the long jump as a woman. I know there are some feminists out there that will argue against this logic, but competing as a male in the world of track and field is truly an overwhelming advantage on the competitive level. It makes you wonder what penises lay hidden in the United States running circuit. 

Source: Zimbabwe News