Archive for the ‘WTF?’ Category

Kissingsuzykolber Lets Brett Farve Explain his Injuries

Monday, May 11th, 2009

This might have been the cure to my case of the Mondays as the crew at Kissingsuzykolber does it once again, enjoy:

brett_favre_xray

Yassee dare hushpuppy, daboddys inna mayzin thing. Darezoll kendsuh stuffa gonn onn indere. Wut kinna thins in dere? Welp, dare blood. In dare piss. In dare itty bitty clumps o’stakein rump roast in dere kulled mussels. In dem mussels issa reesin Aykin throwdat dare futbawl o’er dem mountins. Mussels is guud. But er’ry wunce inna bluu muun, Dem mussels go bad.

brett_favre_xray3

A mussel’s lot lacka dawg. Sumtime dat dawg luukin reel guud, enyookin rub its bellyin itta git yewa bawl erra stick er maybe sum ol’ panties that dem silly naybors leevin outin da yard. But sumtime dat ol’ dawg don’t wanna hunt, so yew take dat dawg unneruh knaff enemm doktuhs gone fix dat dawg up guud. Cuzza ded dawg meen no playin tamm, no playin tamm meen no rode hay’d, and Issa need my rode hay’d.

brett_favre_xray4

S’I gussin dat Coach Childruss gon lookit deesin say, Brittfarr yousa gone beuh Vikin, or he say, Brittfarr, yew needsa play sumwhure else. Aint no ducks offa mah back. Cuz iffee dunt wunt me, I jussa weytin til hee git farred annden Brittfarr go talky da new coach nixt year.

Kentucky Derby Cl….ass

Sunday, May 3rd, 2009

From Deadspin’s Kentucky Derby Album:

Aporkalypse Now – Call Me the Porkator

Friday, May 1st, 2009

So I posted “hamdemic” (Thanks to Ross at Trivia for enlightening me with this term) to Reddit yesterday and it failed after nearly 12 hours. Last night I posted this article and “No one liked my idea of calling the “pandemic” a “hamdemic” . . . well, I’m drunks and I hope you all die in the Aporkalypse”  (which over 3,500 people agree with at this point). . . and it has stirred a lot of comments and debate as the number 1 story. It also earned me a top spot on mydrunktxt.com although I never texted it nor submitted it to that site. Either way, it was really sweet. But, since we all agree the H1N1 virus is terribly boring, we’ve came up with a few other names and puns for the flu. If you find these tasteless . . . then you should probably just stick with H1N1.

  • Hamdemic
  • The Aporkalypse
  • Hammageddon
  • The Snoutbreak
  • Manbirdpig
  • Bacon Lung
  • Epigdemic
  • Take Porkautions
  • Sty at Home
  • Hamerican Flu
  • A virus of epig proporktions
  • Ham Sneeze
  • Farmageddon
  • Cured Flu
  • Godhamit!
  • Parmageddon
  • Piggmunization shots
  • “It’s just a little airborne. It’s still good, it’s still good!”
  • “Read Hamlet. That could get rather boaring though.”
  • “Start bacon some cakes to help you stay nourished”
  • “Bring on the Four Boars of the Aporkalypse: Gammon (the pineapple slayer), Ham (devourer of pickle), Bacon (meat candy) and Crackling (the almighty toothbreaker). The swine is nigh I tells ye! Repent ye vegans and vegetarians and pay homage to the shrine of lard or roast forever basted in your own dripping.”
  • “Seriously, people are more afraid of H1N1 than they are of cancer: It’s snout a tumor!”
  • “Oinkment? I’m all stocked up!”

While CNN is apt to steal these puns and use them on live TV (they quoted one word-for-word nearly 3 hours after it was submitted yesterday), if this whole things get bad we’ll need someone in charge of some comic relief. The fact that 5,769 American die from being a fat ass every day . . . and 1 person has died from the swine flu warrants me to make fun of this media frenzy. I will take full responsibility in this comic relief . . . you can call me the Porktator.

Snoutbreak 09 : The Hamdemic Shuts Down Alabama Sports

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

 

So I’ve already been slapped across the wrist a couple of times for joking about the “Swine Flu“, but I’m just a proponent for calling it something a little more tasteful. “Bacon Lung” for instance does not cause as much fear and it offends no one . . . Manbirdpig emphasizes the flu viruses three common carriers and characteristics (and also pokes fun of Manbearpig and Al Gore from South Park for you non-followers) . . . it’s half human, half bird, and half pig flu. We need something that everyone can agree on since “Swine” and “Mexican” flu obviously isn’t doing the job.

Anyways, ESPN is reporting that several likely cases of the Bacon Lung virus have been discovered in the state of Alabama. Like any overprotective mother out to seek attention from the national media they have sensibly shut down all sporting events until further notice. 

“Right now, we are being advised by our Medical Advisory Committee to shut down all activities until further notice,” said Steve Savarese, executive director of the Alabama High School Athletic Association. “We hope to be able to resume activities by next Tuesday, but right now we must study the situation and take it one day at a time.”

On the bright side a pound of ham is currently only $3.99 at the Harris Teeter. We can’t let the pigs win, we’ve got to bring the fight to them. If we don’t eat every single last pig . . . those terrorists have won.

Pic of the Day – 04.30.09 – Look at this Fucking Hipster Pt 1

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

They’ve become almost as bad as hippies. The world of self absorbed assholes is evolving . . . and this man is leading the way.