He’s Back!

January 20th, 2010 by The Man No One Came To See

Brock Lesnar, the University of Minnesota wrestling legend who rose to the top of the mixed martial arts world, said Wednesday that he has licked his life-threatening ailment and will return to action this summer.

Lesnar, 32, said in an interview on ESPN that he was mysteriously stricken during his training for what was to be an Ultimate Fighting Championship title defense in November vs. Shane Carwin.

However, the match was called off, when Lesnar fell ill and the heavyweight’s future in fighting and overall well-being were in doubt.

Lesnar said he was suffering from diverticulosis, causing him severe abdominal pain.

“I was just feeling sick for the longest time through my training,” Lesnar said on the sports cable network. The doctors “were dumbfounded,” he added.

“One night, I woke up in severe shock with a 104 temperature,” Lesnar said. “I took antibiotics and pain medication to heal myself or I would have had to remove part of my colon and wear a colonoscopy bag and end my career.”

Lesnar said he dropped about 40 pounds from his hulking frame while in the hospital for 11 days.

After what he called outstanding medical care in Bismarck, N.D., and at the Mayo Clinic that “sav[ed] my life and my career,” the former NCAA wrestling champion and WWE professional wrestler said he took a holistic approach to his healing and avoided surgery.

At a checkup just after the first of the year, Lesnar said, he was the recipient of “a miracle. [The doctors] were dumbfounded. They couldn’t find any signs of any trouble.”

Having put back on 30 pounds, Lesnar said he’s looking forward to a title match this summer, most likely against the winner of the Frank Mir-Carwin interim championship match on March 27 in Newark, N.J.

Lesnar hasn’t been in the octagon since UFC 100 last July, when he beat Mir in the biggest event ever in mixed martial arts.

Conan O’Brien To ESPN…?

January 19th, 2010 by The Man No One Came To See

A undiscussed career path could put Conan back in front of the camera next to Scott Van Pelt as a comedian doing sporting events. ESPN has dropped all the funny people, besides Van Pelt, and now is just a semblance of hack job reporters and women with porn star names. O’Brien would bring a new character to ESPN that they have sorely lacked since Kenny Mayne took time off.

Think about it Conan

Tiger In Sex Rehab… It’s Called Being Cool Where I Come From

January 18th, 2010 by The Man No One Came To See

Friday it was reported that Tiger Woods had entered a sex rehab clinic in Mississippi, the birthplace of weird sexual behavior. Today the National Enquirer, who initially broke the Tiger Woods cheating scandal, confirms that report, and adds that hopefully he’s making lots of new friends because his wife has yet to visit him.

Tiger is undergoing a six-week intensive treatment directed by Dr. Patrick Carnes, who pioneered treatment for sexually compulsive behavior.
Yet, he’s already planning his comeback and aiming to be back on the PGA tour by Spring possibly for the Masters Tournament April 5.
Meanwhile his wife Elin who has been consulting with a top celeb divorce lawyer is still not wearing her wedding ring in public and has yet to visit her promiscuous hubby in the cloistered rehab facility.

Good. Awesome. Forget about that dork. This chick is an easily tricked hot Swedish model just a few months away from cashing a check worth several hundred million dollars. The only way she could be any more of a perfect potential girlfriend is if she naturally produced kool-aid and tasted like grape when you went down on her.

The Disloyalty Club

January 14th, 2010 by The Man No One Came To See

Lane Kiffin joins the disloyalty club

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The college football world remains atwitter a day after news broke that Lane Kiffin was leaving Tennessee after one season to replace mentor Pete Carroll at USC.

Should we really be surprised? College football is undoubtedly big business, and many coaches are perceived as mercenaries. Further, this kind of disloyalty isn’t exactly unheard of in the sports world. Granted, it rarely happens to a program as prominent as Tennessee football. But it seems there’s always another job that can offer more money and prestige a new challenge.

Consider that Kiffin has merely become the latest member of Page 2’s fraternity of disloyalty:

Lane Kiffin, January 2010: Is it possible Tennessee was slightly reckless in hiring Kiffin in the first place? Consider that his previous boss fired him for cause and subsequently held a national news conference for the sole purpose of damaging his credibility. Just sayin’. Still, Vols fans are bound to miss this kind of brilliant decision making.

Brian Kelly, December 2009: Kelly left Cincinnati after compiling a 12-0 record in 2009, the most successful season in school history. He also quit the Bearcats as they prepared to meet Florida in the Sugar Bowl, arguably the biggest game in school history. Still, it’s difficult for us to denounce Kelly too badly. When Notre Dame punches your digits, you take the call.

Brett Favre, August 2009: The fabled gunslinger woefully neglected lawn care at his 460-acre ranch in Hattiesburg, Miss., to make a comeback with the Minnesota Vikings.

Jeff Jagodzinski, January 2009: Just two years after being named the coach at Boston College, Jagodzinski openly defied athletic director Gene DeFilippo by flirting with the New York Jets about their open head-coaching position in January 2009. Jagodzinski was then fired, but he landed the Tampa Bay Buccaneers offensive coordinator job just three weeks later. The Bucs then fired him 10 days before the ‘09 season opener.

Gene Chizik, December 2008: Iowa State stood by Chizik after he went 5-19 in his first two seasons in Ames. Nevertheless, he bolted for Auburn, where he had the opportunity to compete in the mighty SEC and freely wear his glasses all the way down the end of his nose without any repercussions.

Rich Rodriguez, December 2007: After coaching for seven seasons at his alma mater, West Virginia, Rodriguez bailed on the Mountaineers to take the Michigan job in what became a messy, infamous divorce. Now, after Rich Rod piloted the Wolverines to consecutive losing seasons for the first time since 1962 and ‘63, many Michigan fans are probably ready for him to move on to the UFL, Ypsilanti High or Big Kahuna Burger, whichever one is hiring.

Bob Huggins, April 2007: Despite coaching Cincinnati to 14 consecutive NCAA tournaments, Huggins was forced out in 2005 after pleading no contest to drunken driving and compiling a poor graduating rate. Despite this baggage, Kansas State took a flier on Huggins in 2006, and the Wildcats went 23-11. By 2007, he was coaching his alma mater, West Virginia. Do we fault him for returning to his roots? Consider the evidence.

Nick Saban, January 2007: In the weeks before accepting an offer from Alabama, the then-Miami Dolphins coach repeatedly denied interest in the Crimson Tide job. At one point, he definitively stated, “I’m not going to be the Alabama coach.” Miami Herald columnist Dan Le Batard later dubbed him “OSaban bin Lying.” In 1990, he ditched Toledo after one season as head coach, taking a job with the Browns as an assistant under Bill Belichick.

Dennis Erickson, December 2006: Despite winning two national championships at the University of Miami, Erickson’s stock was at rock bottom in February 2006 after a 9-23 two-season stay with the San Francisco 49ers and a year out of coaching. Enter the University of Idaho, where Erickson had held his first collegiate head-coaching job from 1982 to ‘85. Erickson returned as coach of the Vandals and assured the school it wouldn’t be just a brief stop in hopes of landing a better job. Ten months later, he was the coach at Arizona State. Erickson also bolted to Washington State in 1987 after a single season at Wyoming.

Johnny Damon, December 2005: The talented outfielder signed a four-year, $52 million contract with the Yankees, thumbing his nose at his Kansas City Royals roots and some other team.

Carlos Boozer, July 2004: Boozer signed a six-year, $68 million deal with the Utah Jazz despite a verbal agreement with Cleveland to re-sign for the mid-level exception after the Cavaliers allowed him to become a free agent. “We are both very surprised and very disappointed,” Cavs owner Gordon Gund and general manager Jim Paxson said in a statement at the time.

Billy Gillispie, 2004, 2007: The former Bill Self assistant bolted Texas-El Paso after two seasons and Texas A&M after three. Gillispie was criticized for being an opportunist, but both moves are understandable. He moved from UTEP to A&M and from the Aggies to Kentucky — both significant upward moves. Often overlooked is the fact that Gillispie’s Miners beat the Harlem Globetrotters in 2003, ending a 288-game winning streak. … Do the Washington Generals need a new coach?

Boston College, 2003: Not long after leading the charge to offer Miami $45 million to remain in the Big East, the Eagles joined the Hurricanes in defecting to the ACC. Despite being a charter member of Big East football, BC agreed in less than four hours to beat a path to Tobacco Road.

Bill Belichick, 2000: “I resign as HC of NYJ.”

Bill Frieder, March 1989: On the eve of the NCAA tournament, the Michigan basketball coach wasn’t just drawing up plays and pondering X’s and O’s. He was working on a deal to take over at Arizona State. Before Frieder could quit, however, athletic director Bo Schembechler canned him, famously declaring, “A Michigan man will coach a Michigan team.” Interim coach Steve Fisher promptly guided the Wolverines to six consecutive victories and the national championship.

Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson, March 1973: At the beginning of spring training, the Yankees pitchers reveal they are swapping wives … kids, cars, homes, pets and lives. Perhaps then-Yankees general manager Lee MacPhail said it best: “We may have to call off Family Day.”

Larry Brown, 1972, 1974, 1979, 1981, 1983, 1988, 1992, 1993, 1997, 2003, 2005, 2006, TBA: In 13 stops as head coach in the professional and collegiate ranks, Brown has stayed more than five seasons in a job just once. His stops: Davidson, Carolina (ABA), Denver (ABA/NBA), UCLA, New Jersey Nets, Kansas, San Antonio Spurs, Los Angeles Clippers, Indiana Pacers, Philadelphia 76ers, Detroit Pistons, New York Knicks and the Charlotte Bobcats. (Whew!) You could say Brown is the most disloyal coach in sports history. We prefer to think he merely wore out his welcome in 12 of those places.

Marcus Junius Brutus, 44 BC: Beware the ides of March? Damn straight.

Who’s got next?

LeBron James, July 2010: Buckle your safety belts, Cleveland.

Gilbert Arenas Self-Help Book…Come On

January 8th, 2010 by The Man No One Came To See

Just when all of the Gilbert Arenas gun jokes were about to die out, he goes out and shoots himself in the foot (/takes a bow). Apparently, Arenas has a forthcoming self-help book, entitled “Score Like Agent Zero” (There’s no truth to the rumors that Arenas wrote four titles down on a piece of paper and told the publishers to pick one. See — aren’t Gilbert gun jokes fun?).

According to the blurb, this will be the single greatest book in the history of books (and papyrus too!):

You have just taken a major step toward improving your life. What you hold in your hands is the self-help book to end all self-help books. [...] Want to learn the best way to shoot a free throw? Want to learn how to speak to a woman like Agent Zero?

Please! Enlighten us! While Wizards fans might dispute the idea that Arenas is the best free throw teacher, I’m sure the rest of the book is chock full of useful nuggets on how to lose friends, alienate people and torpedo your career.

But don’t worry — there’s still plenty of time to get your own copy. The book’s release date has reportedly been pushed back from February to May. Pre-order now, while you still can.