Hey That’s a REAL Nice Truck . . . for a WOMAN

10 Apr 2009

For some reason . . . I read this every Friday to remind me why life is great. 

Sayyyyy, nice truck you got there.  What is that, a V-8?  Oh, only a V-6?  Well, I suppose that’s okay.  As long as you don’t need your truck to do anything MANLY, like carry heavy shit uphill.  Heavy shit made out of metal, because that’s the kind of heavy shit REAL MEN need to haul.

But no, it’s a good truck. You get good gas mileage?  Yeah?  Well gas mileage is for pussies.  My truck here gets about two gallons per mile.  You know what else gets mileage that bad?  A fucking TANK.  That’s how I know my truck kicks ass.

That’s a nice color for it, too. What is that, “red”? It looks good. I seen some real pretty flowers that color. Me, I don’t need to paint my truck. Primer’s good enough for me. If I had paint it would just get in the way of me doing MANLY SHIT, like driving through explosions in the desert and speeding past giant machines swinging other trucks at my truck. But red’s good, too. Probably looks really nice in the parking lot when you pick your son up from ballet practice.

But I like yours.  Who made it, Tonka?  I’ll bet it plays your Jonas Brothers CDs pretty loud while I’m fucking your wife.  Pansy.

Oh hey, I notice you’ve got a little– what is that?  A “man ramp” to get up into your truck’s bed?  No, no — it looks good.  Must come in handy when you want to help a dainty little man into the back there.  So you can hold his hand and have sex with him and ask him to stay the night, because you’re a needy little bitch.  It works for you.

Whatcha got in the forward cab, huh?   Scented Kleenex and Barbies, I bet. 

(peers in through window)

Well well well.  Looky here.  Seatbelts, huh?

(makes wanking motion)

No, don’t take that the wrong way!  Seatbelts are great for women and babies in little cars.  And trucks for men with tiny little limp dicks.

Listen to me, jabbering on like that.  I should let you go.  You’re gonna be late to yoga class or book group or your… your Cocksuckers Anonymous meeting.  You can park that bad boy next to the hybrids.

Gonna drive with the windows up, huh?  Pffft..