Despite Divine Intervention – Brett Farve to Repair and Return

18 May 2009

Amidst the media sploogefest involving the summer blockbuster movies, Hollywood breakups, and shitty television pilots, we all thought for once this year we would be free of Brett Frama (Farve and drama have simultaneously combined through ESPN throughout the last 3 seasons). The man is turning 40 years old . . . his throwing arm has been reduced to a mass of delicious deli meat . . . and his ass was sacked more time than Michael Vick’s last season. Yet despite having the old piece of arm noodle, juvenile Alzheimer’s, and the enjoyment of being “officially” retired for 3 months after the Jets . . . it looks like we’re in for another summer of Brett Farve rumors and rants. FOL.

Dr. James Andrews will be the man responsible for ruining the enjoyment of sports for all of America this summer with the exception of Minneapolis. God, Zeus, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and even fucking Charles Darwin are against the return of Brett Farve from retirement.

If Darwin had observed a studly finch in the Galapagos that spent the first half of its life as the best seed gatherer, then the last half as a scrub only to be revered as talented in the eyes of finch media . . . then he would have shot the bastard for the good of science. Right now, our only hope is that Dr. James Andrews will come to his senses during Farve’s bicep surgery and make him look like Greg “the man whose arm exploded” Valentino. You can’t throw a football with an arm you can’t move. And while Greg Valentino’s arm wasn’t moving due to the Barry Bonds dosages of steroids he was putting into his 5 foot 2 inch frame, Brett Farve still has a similar problem. Like the finches in the Galapagos and all life in general, football is all about evolution and survival of the fittest. 

 

Source: The NY Post