The 10 Best NASCAR Mullets You Will Never Find on Television
08 Jul 2009
Since our junior year of high school, the ole “gang” of Stanly County, North Carolina takes their annual Mecca to Southern heaven. You see, we’re from a place a little too quaint to be referred to by its real name. The locals call our community Aquadale, but we reluctantly refer to our homes as the UCLA (Upper Cottonville, Lower Aquadale). Besides the UCLA, there are also the towns of Finger, Big Lick, Porter, and Frog Pond between the closest city, Concord and us.
Concord is important in the culture of North Carolina because it is the first real establishment of a major NASCAR motor speedway in our state and arguably the East Coast. While Eastern and Western North Carolina may be divided by difference in terrain, barbeque, political affiliations, and crop types . . . the city of Concord and its Lowes Motor Speedway have acted as a melting pot in this state for nearly 50 years. Even if you don’t like NASCAR, if you live in North Carolina a race is something you have to experience one time in your life.
As for the ole “gang”, we cannot stand the sport of motorcar racing. The athletic prowess of sitting in an air-conditioned suit, turning left, pressing a throttle, and shifting gears seems about as difficult as Woody Harrelson out jumping Wesley Snipes in a Hollywood movie. And since Snipes has long been considered the epitome of an awful basketball player, it’s easy to see why we have no passion for the sport. Our first visit to the speedway in 2002 raised one question: How do we eliminate the boredom? The answer was overwhelming easy: Mullet hunt.
Sweet, beautiful, perfectly trimmed, groomed, flowing mullets. The presence of a backyard follicle garden was nothing new to us . . . we did grow up in the armpits of the UCLA. However, never had we seen these beauties in such high concentrations. If the mullet were a case of the swine flu, we were right in central Mexico City during mid April.
Over the years we began to perfect the art of mullet hunting, until we could soon consider ourselves experts on the hairstyle, and eventually create our own set of rules and regulations. The rules of mullet hunting were simple:
1. First of all, always show respect to the mullet. These young men and women have spent the majority of their lives combing this business in the front, party in the back type of lifestyle. By keeping this in mind, you must always remember that these people are stronger than you, therefore much more confident in their appearance. If you can’t sport the mullet, then respect the person who can.
2. Never get caught taking the picture. If you are asked to delete the picture, then never lie to the mullet. Save the violence for your faux MMA fights or Wii bowling.
3. Don’t take pictures of the mullet young. These children have yet to realize they are sporting the most kickass haircut in the world. The mullet reflects your personality and lifestyle therefore should be a conscious decision. Unless the child was Joe-Dirted and born with a mullet, then no pictures can be taken.
The Point System
The mullet hunting point system is rather simple. The location of the picture itself is the first criterion for gaining points.
A mullet from the back acquires one (1) point: There is no skill involved in capturing the mullet from the back. Sure, it shows the style in all its glory, but no guts no glory in this sport.
A mullet from the side acquires two (2) points: I call this style the “Bigfoot” pose. I have found the best way to capture a mullet from the side is by yelling “Boobs” at the top of my lungs. The specimen will begin a prairie dog-like sequence of looking back and forth. The photo opportunities here are endless.
A mullet from the front acquires three (3) points: Only the serious mullet hunters go for this method of photography. There are no secrets or special skills involved in this; you just have to have the guts and ability to capture a mullet from the front.
For each of the following items, add one (1) point: Any woman considered “race hott”, if the man is shirtless, if there is a beer in the picture, if there is a race related tattoo, if there is a tribal tattoo, or if there is a visible “farmers” tan line.
Add two (2) points: If you can include yourself, or another friend in the picture with the mullet.
Add three (3) points: If you are actually touching the mullet in the picture. I have never been able to pull this off, but I am certain there are some natural mullet hunters capable of doing so.
At the end of the day, view and tally the points for every picture. Your grand total will be the sum of all pictures taken at the race.
Capturing the perfect mullet cannot be done unless there is a true and concentrated effort towards acting like you belong in North Carolina. The first obstacle to overcome is dressing appropriately. For men, this means wearing a shirt without sleeves, a race t-shirt with sleeves, flannel, or a combination of all three. Hats are usually a necessity, unless you are of mullet royalty.
For women, the dress is quite simple. During a race, anything and everything goes for women. The less clothes the better regardless of your body type, skin color, or lack of teeth. During a NASCAR event, a woman otherwise deemed “whorish” in regular society will be crowned as “race hott”. If you are a woman showing a little skin and baggage, you will be the center of the runway for an entire day. And the more that is consumed, the more race hott you become to the thousands of lonely men.
As for the way you carry yourself, you must always be aware of your surroundings and personal image. Beers that are not accepted are:
· Wine coolers
· Anything only sold in 6 or 12 packs
· Mike’s Hard Lemonade or any of that fruity shit
· An beer that takes over 3 syllables to pronounce
If you can adhere to the 3 B’s of beer (Bud heavy, Bud light, and Bud select), you should find yourself in a competitive hunt for the backyard surprise. Drinking any of these beers, talking about NHL, Big East basketball, or wearing hair gel will be a dead give away and an ass kicking.
Finally, your campsite must be the most important aspect in your mullet hunting expedition. In the fall of 2006 we made the purchase that would change our neck-hair expeditions forever. Sitting in the corner of an old barbershop was a 1978 Merita Bread truck that had been completely gutted. After it was purchased we soon added a bunk, stove, makeshift kitchen, window unit AC unit, and some solar panels to make the nature conservatives. A passenger seat from our friend’s bass fishing boat would soon be added, along with seatbelts. And while the doors of this race machine didn’t close, it created the perfect habitat for mullet hunting at NASCAR races.
And finally, all the aspects of mullet hunting had combined in mid May of 2009 at the Charlotte NASCAR All Star Shootout. We were dressed appropriately, acted utterly redneck, and drove a bread truck that the EPA would willingly consider a toxic hazard. And it was beautiful. And below are the 10 best mullets we were able to capture from this day in paradise.
5 – The Curl-et with Matching Jorts: While some people may argue that jean shorts are still in style, I would completely counter that idea. 5 points. Back mullet (1), Race Hott (1), Shirtless (2), and horrible tattoo (1).
4. The Dale-Jr-let: Although Dale Jr. changed his number to 88 last year, this man didn’t care. He still rocked the mullet with the old number, and it was a thing of beauty. 1 point for mullet from behind.
3. The Mid-Back Mullet – This beauty shows just how much a potential a mullet can reach if you let it grow. But no matter how much it grows, it can never cover up the horrible skull tattoo. 2 points, mullet from back and horrible tattoo.
2. The Blondullet – While any color hair mullet is welcome, it was rather rare that we ran across a mullet a the race in any color other than black or brown. In this case, we believe it was dyed for race hott attention. 2 points, mullet from the side.
1. The Pit Roadullet – This mullet was found during our tour of pit road . . . and we guarantee the camera this man is holding is worth less than the hair on the back of his neck.
Honorably Mentioned Mullets: