The Future of NFL Celebrations

31 Jul 2009

For years the NFL top suits have began cracking down on one of the most integral parts of the game: the celebrations. From making cell phone calls to proposing to a future wife in the end-zone, the commissioner has attempted to rid the game of every fun and careless celebration following a touchdown. While we applaud his efforts to clean up the game on the field, we believe that his focus should be on the players off the field. If not, we may begin to see celebrations that begin to mock the actions of other players or celebrities . . . and to be honest, this might be the only way to keep people from acting like idiots off the field. 

Currently if a player hires a prostitute and strangles her, he  gets a slap on the wrist compared to the average player. But if Chad Ocho Cinco scores a touchdown and follows it with a “hooker strangler” end-zone dance . .  you had better believe that is humiliation on the highest of levels. No amount of fines could rival the embarrassment that would come from that video. So we’ve put together a list of potential NFL celebrations that have yet to be done. 

The Stallworth – The Stallworth is where upon scoring a touchdown, the offensive player that scores gets into a Tonka Truck, similar to what little children play with, and you push yourself forward while drinking a beer and strike an opposing player.


Difficulty (out of 5) – 4 It would be very hard to get into a kids play car originally, only the smaller players could pull it off, and then to chase down an NFL player in it would be nearly impossible. But cleats give you a strong push so it can be done if the right player attempts it.

Possible players : Steve Smith, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Darren Sproles

Creativity– 3 It is a 3 because people do this all the time. Tons of NFL players have DUIs so they know how and probably have driven while drinking. But it still gets a three because very few people come up with the idea to chase someone down and try to hit them with a kids play car.

Bas ass rating- 4 There is nothing cool about drunk driving and manslaughter, but to be one of the smallest guys on the field and to attempt to chase someone down in a kids toy is pretty ballsy. And if one manages to pull it off, then they will go down as legends similar to OJ Simpson and Rae Carruth.

Likelihood of getting fined/suspended- 3 For imitating someone who killed somebody will get you into Goodell’s doghouse, but as long as you do not seriously hurt the guy you hit and stop as soon as you do it, you will be fine. Consider Stallworth actually killed someone and he got only 24 days in jail.

The Chris Brown – The Chris Brown requires a lot of pre-game planning and confidence. Firstly you must purchase a hooker prior to the game, and the confidence to know you are going to score a touchdown that game. Upon scoring a touchdown, the player must run over to the hooker on the sidelines and deck her in the face, repeatedly.


Difficulty- 1 This move is definitely the easiest because requires zero skills and zero morality. You simply have to score a touchdown and then beat the hell out of a woman. Simple, most football players do that anyways so now they just have to do it in a game.

Possible players- Reuben Droughns, Sanonio Holmes, OJ Simpson, Ricky Williams

Creativity– 2 Again not very creative because it is something that goes on a lot. But to bring a hooker to the field and punch her repeatedly takes some guts and courage, and a little stupidity. The Chris Brown is worth a two but not any more

Bad-ass rating- 3 Beating up a woman is not bad-ass at all, but doing in front of 60,000 people makes you more ridiculous but also more ballsy and thus more bad-ass
Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 5 Not only did you perform one illegal thing, buying a hooker, you also beat her ass in front of thousands of fans. You will no doubt receive a significant fine and suspension, but you may go to jail too.

The Greg Paulus – The Greg Paulus is when a teammate scores a touchdown and attempts to dunk the football over the goalpost. And when he does you run under him and flop to the ground as his nuts go squarely into your face.


Difficulty- 3 Although this move seems rather simple, one must plan it well so that your teammate takes off without him noticing you waiting in his path for his nuts. You also must throw away all pride and confidence because you are a bitch

Possible Players: Joe Jurevicius, Matt Cassel, any other white guy.

Creativity- 4 This move is adapted from another sport and it is done by a player that no one likes so it takes some mind power to come up with this trick. Also you need low self esteem and liking to homo-erotic things for this to work.

Bad-ass rating- 0 There is absolutely nothing bad ass about this move. You voluntarily run under your own teammates so that he can dunk on you as you fall to the ground with his nuts all in your grill

Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 1 Well the NFL may fine you for partaking in another players celebration, the NFL is not your problem, its your own team. You act will upset a lot of people and they will openly try to fight you so the NFL is not your problem there.

The Lebron – The Lebron requires a player, upon entering the end zone, to quickly grab a number 23 Cleveland Cavaliers jersey and put it on and then grab some white powder and throw it in the air above you.


    Difficulty- 4 The difficult part of this maneuver is the entrance into the end-zone. In a quick movement you must cross the goal line, put on a Cavaliers jersey and grab white powder. After that the move is quite simple but that initial move gives it the high rating.

    Possible players: Terrell Owens, Chad Ocho-Cinco, Steve Smith

    Creativity- 4 This move requires a lot of preparation and a lot of thinking about how to get the jersey and white powder on you when you cross into the end zone This move also requires you to imitate one of the biggest stars in sports so you must be unique when you go for it.

    Bad-ass rating- 4 Again you are imitating the best basketball player in the world, so you need to do it with confidence and swagger or else you will get embarrassed. Got to go big or go home so in the end it better be real bad ass

    Likelihood of Fines/Suspension- 3 Introducing outside objects into a celebration is usually an immediate fine or suspension, so you are going to get something. But since it is an impersonation of another great athlete, im sure the league would go easy on you because they would not want to offend LBJ.

    The Nerd – The Nerd is where upon scoring a touchdown, the player grabs a pre placed Segway and frolics about the field on the two wheeled vehicle.


    Difficulty- 2 This move is rather easy to perform considering it warrants no real skill. But similar to The Chris Brown, it requires placing an outside object on the side of the field so that no one notices it, which is quite a feat.

    Possible players- Adam Vinatieri, Matt Cassel, Matt Leinart

    Creativity- 5 The NFL is not a league that is usually associated with nerds, so for a player to swallow their pride and perform this groundbreaking celebration, they must have a lot of creativity. Also allows for further innovations with a new celebration while riding on the Segway, imagine the possibilities.

    Bad ass rating: 3 The bad ass rating can vary a great deal around how the driver uses the Segway. For instance, if the player were to say shotgun a beer then his rating would be a five, or if he just rode it around for a minute or two then that would be a one. The Segway could revolutionize the endzone dance so look out.
    Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 5 Introducing an outside object to a celebration is an automatic fine so you definitely will be fined but how much will be determined by ones actions on the Segway

    The Vick – The Vick is where upon scoring a touchdown, the player grabs a Rottweiler or a Pit Bull and hops on its back and proceeds to ride the dog throughout the stadium. All the while, his teammates hold sombreros and various drugs.


      Difficulty: 5 Have you ever tried to ride a dog? It is nearly impossible especially when you are a 200 pound NFL player. The harder part is for the teammates to find sombreros and hide drugs on themselves throughout a game hoping for the touchdown.

      Possible players: Clinton Portis, Ray Lewis, Chad Ocho-Cinco

      Creativity: 3 This scenario has been played out a lot in the media but having the guts and confidence to pull this off deserves a good creativity rating. The integration of all Vick’s past sins makes it creative and difficult to pull off.

      Bad ass rating- 4 Again there is nothing bad ass about the crimes that Vick was convicted of, but in this celebration no dogs were hurt and if performed correctly, there will be a NFL player riding a dog around the field, thats bad ass.

      Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 5 This will get all involved fined heavily and suspended indefinitely. Harking back to the dark days of Vick’s career is a no-no for NFL players so any mention would for sure warrant a harsh punishment. Also the teammates have drugs on the field so that won’t work out well for them.

      The Obama – The Obama is where upon scoring a touchdown, the player hops into a hospital bed and props his legs up like he is about to give birth. His teammates gather around and remove the football from the players arm as if it is a baby. Upon the “birth” of the football, the teammates provide the mother and the government with a signed birth certificate verifying the citizenship of the football. This celebration can only be performed at the Pro Bowl in Honolulu, Hawaii.

      to-obama-baby Difficulty: 5 This celebration requires a lot of planning and skill to pull it off in the one game a year where it is acceptable. You first have to be elected to the Pro Bowl, then you have to score a touchdown in the game, and then perform the intricate celebration. By far the most difficult celebration to ever be performed. This move requires confidence, planning, and an immense amount of skill because it is replicating the birth of our President and must be done to perfection or you are disgracing his name.

      Possible Players: Ryan Leaf, Jeremy Shockey, Kellen Winslow

      Bad ass rating- 5 Although giving birth is rather un-bad ass, to perform it at the Pro Bowl with a real life hospital bed is quite impressive. One need not explain the importance of the birth of Obama as he is our President. Impersonating him requires a lot of confidence and this celebration would spit in the face of the “birther” crowd that do not acknowledge Obama’s citizenship.

      Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 1 Because this celebration can only be performed at the Pro Bowl, the odds of suspension or fines are low because the game is for pure entertainment value and this would surely entertain. This would be a great way to get the President’s attention on football and it would get a lot of news coverage.

      The Roethlisberger – The Roethlisberger is where upon scoring a touchdown, the player proceeds to grab a pre-placed motorcycle and drive it around the field while eating a doughnut. To finish the celebration, the player must wreck on the motorcycle. For bonus points upon crashing the player can combo into the Chris Brown and rape a pre-placed hooker.


      Difficulty: 4 (5 with the Chris Brown Combo) This celebration is not all that difficult but it does require some manliness to willingly crash a motorcycle in the middle of a game. Pre-placing the motorcycle out of view from the fans and your coach is also quite difficult but can be done.

      Bad ass rating: 4 This would get a 5 if it were not for the crash at the end. It is pretty bad ass to grab a Harley off the sidelines and cruise around the field embarrassing the other team.

      Likelihood of Fine/Suspension: 5 Introducing a outside object with definitely get you a fine and maybe a small suspension, but if you combo The Roethlisberger with the Chris Brown, you are looking at a solid 30 days in prison so this is definitely worthy of its five rating.

      Possible Players: Terrell Owens, Chad Ocho-Cinco, Donovan McNabb